MixMaster Jeff

The things we did and didn't do

2011-10-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Typical. Songs by Jens Lekman and the Beach Boys and Robyn and the Magnetic Fields and Rilo Kiley and girl group shit and it's all very poppy and power-poppy and no one cares but me. Is it possible my mixes are not actually that cool or interesting? Eh. Rambling commentary about feelings in re: pop music below.

The Typical Mix Tape

1. "Grass," XTC
2. "It's Over," Sondre Lerche
3. "Sweet Talking Guy," The Chiffons
4. "Someday, Someway," Marshall Crenshaw
5. "For The Rabbits," Caitlin Rose
6. "Someone To Share My Life With," Jens Lekman
7. "Help Me Rhonda," The Beach Boys
8. "My Man Is A Mean Man," Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
9. "My Ever Changing Moods," The Style Council
10. "Call Your Girlfriend," Robyn
11. "Sneaky Feelings," Elvis Costello
12. "Baltimore," Tennis
13. "Baby, Baby (I Still Love You)," Cinderella
14. "If Not For You," George Harrison
15. "I Am Bored," The Microphones
16. "I Love The Weekend," No Kids
17. "Watch The Sunrise," Big Star
18. "Mean Mean Man," Wanda Jackson
19. "The Things We Did," The Magnetic Fields
20. "Glendora," Rilo Kiley
DOWNLOAD IT!
Obviously, my mix tapes are obliquely about whatever bullshit heartbreak I'm indulging in at the time I compile them. Perpetually appropriate songs: The Beach Boys, "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times." The Magnetic Fields, "No One Will Ever Love You." The Smiths, "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want."

I enjoy feeling feelings. I manipulate myself by listening to sad songs and reading sad poems and looking at pictures on Facebook of men who have rejected me with their new girlfriends so I may bathe in my most gorgeous sorrow. Not that being a sad sack is all fun. Engaging your self pity is a dangerous game, 'cause no one wants to be around you and it stops you from getting anything done. Ultimately, it's probably better to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Let's all be moderate when opting to stand on psychically unstable ground, is what I'm saying. Sometimes I like being sleep-deprived in an airport because I experience what I call "reveries," what William Blake called "memorable fancies," what doctors call "hallucinations." It's nice every once in a while to believe that you have access into a portal into the future, that you have pulled back the curtain and witnessed "the truth," that every dimension is available and you can see beyond the visible spectrum and escape this real world where you pay rent and eat sandwiches, you know, to get out of the Matrix, which is actually just all there is. It's why they invented drugs, I get it.
A personal mantra: your feelings aren't everything. Your memories aren't everything. Your imagination isn't everything. When I was a teenager I used to say all the time, "I just have to get out of my own head," which is sad because it was true and I had no idea how to do that. Maybe--think about someone other than yourself? Get some friends? Get a job? Yes, but. Anne Carson: "You remember too much,/my mother said to me recently./Why hold onto all that? And I said,/Where can I put it down?" What do I do with all these fucking feelings?
It's why listening to mopey-ass music makes us feel less gloomy. No one knows better than Morrissey that melancholy is actually hilarious. "Went looking for a job and then I found a job/And heaven knows I'm miserable now." Feelings distort things so much that really emotional music is necessarily comic. I love the Beach Boys and girl groups because they're so bald in their sentiment. My favorite girl group lyric lately is from the Blossoms' song "That's When The Tears Start": "I hold my head high/Each time you walk by./Give you a great big smile/Although I wanna die."

Pop music makes complicated feelings simple. A pop song is a sliver of a moment when all we want is one very specific and very stupid thing, and we want it SO BAD. I reluctantly admit that bad feelings are not permanent, and even life's most major bummers have not ruined me. But it seems right to immortalize all these dumb emotions, doesn't it? The Magnetic Fields go, "The things we did and didn't do./The things we did and didn't do," and I go, yeah. I let that sad, vague vapor of a lyric wash over me. It feels good.

<3MMJ

To hurl the tomahawk and ride a painted pony wild

2011-08-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

This mix. Lots of covers. Lots of weird songs from the '60s and '70s. Gets a little sad toward the end there.

Cover Songs + Elton John Mix

1. "Whistle In," The Beach Boys
2. "Julie (remix)," Jens Lekman
3. "Kind Of A Drag," The Buckinghams
4. "Shadowboxer," Fiona Apple
5. "You Know I'm No Good" (Amy Winehouse cover), Wanda Jackson
6. "Park Song," The Dodos
7. "Life And Soul Of The Party," Mally Page
8. "Refugee," Tom Petty
9. "Angels Marching," Deb Talan
10. "Indian Sunset," Elton John
11. "What Did I Ever Give You," The Kaiser Chiefs
12. "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself," Dusty Springfield
13. "Sister I'm A Poet" (Morrissey cover), Colin Meloy
14. "I Can't Own Her," XTC
15. "I Can't Help It If I'm Still In Love With You" (Hank Williams cover), Willie Nelson
16. "These Eyes," The Guess Who
17. "I Wouldn't Know What To Do," The Honeydrips
18. "Hungry Heart" (Bruce Springsteen cover), Lucy Wainwright Roche
19. "You Yes You," tUnE-yArDs
DOWNLOAD IT!
Can we all please appreciate that Smiley Smile, the Beach Boys' fraught, unfinished opus, is extremely forward thinking and avant-garde? Please???? And isn't Swedish pop music cute? Everyone agrees. The Honeydrips are called the Honeydrips. "Julie" by Jens Lekman hits too close to home--"What will you do when you graduate/If you stay here you'll suffocate." Like a blithe, Simon and Garfunkle-influenced knife in my heart. Also cute: "Saw the girl I know from my job./I think that she must think that I'm retarded." LOL, Dodos!
It is safe to say that Elton John and Bernie Taupin are not experts about American Indian history and cultures. "Indian Sunset" is a hilarious artifact of freaky, skewed romanticism and appropriation. I know Bernie fancies himself the "Brown Dirt Cowboy" and is obsessed with the American west and Wikipedia wasn't around in 1971 so how was he supposed to know that Geronimo died of pneumonia, that he was not in fact "laying down his weapons/when they filled him full of leaaaaad!" But, a tip, choose a single tribe to make stuff up about maybe? Or if you bring up multiple tribes, make them ones that did not live thousands of miles apart?

Oh great father of the Iroquois, ever since I was young
I've read the writing of the smoke and breast fed on the sound of drums.
I've learned to hurl the tomahawk and ride a painted pony wild,
To run the gauntlet of the Sioux, to make a chieftain's daughter mine.

Hahahahaha. Anyway, melodrama. It's worth the download just for this song.
Is it just me or is "You don't have to live like a refugee" a bit of an insensitive metaphor? I guess I was saying this at the karaoke bar on Friday, but it's a very Republican sentiment: "Everybody's had to fight to be free." I like how "Shadowboxer" is about guys who fuck with your head cuz that's one of my pet peeves. Dusty Springfield, have some self respect. "Baby, if your new love ever turns you down/Come back, I will be around/Just waiting for you." Shit's sad.
It is my paradoxical wish that all songs could be covers. I'm all about the novelty, even if the reinterpretations are really stupid or don't improve on or change the original version at all. Colin Meloy's Morrissey covers aren't that mind-blowing but like I said I'm a sucker. "Sister I'm A Poet" is my favorite due to that I am a professional aspiring poet. Lucy Wainwright Roche's "Hungry Heart" is very soft and beautiful and brings out some of the song's longing. (An equation: more longing=better.) Wanda Jackson's "You Know I'm No Good" is a must-have. She and Amy both have those weird, creaky voices. RIP, much love, big ups.
xo|MMJ

I watch you disappear past Club Med vacations

2011-07-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

I made this weird-ass mix tape to do some drivin' to. Packed with hits from the 80s, 90s, and today!

Pink Car in the Passing Lane Mix Tape

1. "Islands In The Stream," Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers
2. "Dreaming Man," Neko Case
3. "Be Mine!" Robyn
4. "Laugh/Love/Fuck," The Coup
5. "Radio Sweetheart," Elvis Costello
6. "Fancy," Reba McEntire
7. "(Theme from) Valley Of The Dolls," Dionne Warwick
8. "As I Went Out One Morning," Dirty Projectors
9. "Push It," Salt-n-Pepa
10. "Brink Of Disaster," Lesley Gore
11. "Brass In Pocket," The Pretenders
12. "Always Coming Back To You," Scott Walker
13. "Cover My Eyes," La Roux
14. "Protect Ya Neck," Wu-Tang Clan
15. "Pistol Dreams," The Tallest Man On Earth
16. "Don't Let Go," En Vogue
17. "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)," Lady Gaga
DOWNLOAD IT!!!!
Y'all my car is pink. People go crazy for it. This summer my car was parked in front of a bar in Lincoln and my friend Tim sent me a text that said "There are a bunch of stupid cunts taking pictures with your car." Quote.
The Coup are my favorite Marxists. The final lyrics of "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" are "All I can say is 'eh eh'" and we're all "YEAH GAGA WE NOTICED." Ever realize how "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue is the ultimate jam of the 90s? Ever realize how it's creepy and desperate as hell? "If I could wear your clothes/I'd pretend I was you"--not a good look, En Vogue. "Lucky" by Britney Spears as corollary to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire. Discuss.
"Cover My Eyes" by La Roux and "Be Mine!" by Robyn are basically the same song and I relate to them both so much. Robyn's hilarious spoken-word breakdown: "I saw you in the station. You had your arm around what's her name. She was wearing that scarf I gave you, and you bent down to tie her laces." A scarf? Robyn? Next time don't get the guy you like such a fruity present. Also, who's he dating, a first grader? She can't tie her own shoes??? That guy is a creep. He likes infantile bitches. Forget him, Robyn!
Elvis Costello: "Hope in the eyes of the ugly girls/That settle for the lies of the last chancers." Good songs are way harsh, Tai. Valley of the Dolls is actually the worst movie ever. Stream it on Netflix just to watch Patty Duke dance. I have a theory that "Brass in Pocket" is basically about me 'cause I'm so special. I don't recommend listening to "Always Coming Back To You" by Scott Walker while driving because there are these weird bells at the beginning that sound just like an early-2000s ringtone. It alarmed me every time.
In conclusion: Lincoln, Nebraska. Missoula, Montana. Reality Bites meets A River Runs Through It meets Netflix Local Favorites Storm Chasers and Wolverine: Chasing the Phantom meets Kicking and Screaming (Noah Baumbach) meets I don't know, A Goofy Movie.
Objectively I should be less jazzed about the way my life is going but I can't help it, I just love summer!
Love|MMJ

Lightning dances in my he-ee-ay-ead

2011-06-19T13:36:00.001-07:00

This Wistful Summer Mix Tape

1. "I've Got My Mind Set On You," James Ray
2. "Fuck And Run," Liz Phair
3. "Powa," tUnE-yArDs
4. "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," the Mamas & the Papas
5. "Tbtf," Kevin Drew
6. "That's Not Me," The Beach Boys
7. "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" Janet Jackson
8. "All In Love Is Fair," Stevie Wonder
9. "Break-A-Way," Irma Thomas
10. "When We Was Fab," George Harrison
11. "Hold On," Wilson Phillips
12. "Flower," Liz Phair
13. "Cecilia," Simon and Garfunkel
14. "Walk On By," Isaac Hayes

Download it!!!
The best summer playlist. Amazing jams. Lots of throwbacks. Twelve minutes of Isaac Hayes. Bridesmaids reignited our national love affair with "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. Someone needs to do the same for "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" by Janet Jackson. Liz Phair sings "I can feel it in my bones/I'm gonna spend another year alone" and I'm all like, yeah.
The high note on "Powa." The part in "All In Love Is Fair" where Stevie Wonder sings "Ahead lies mystery" but it sounds like "A head lice mystery." George Harrison: "Back when income tax was all we had" ????? My brother and I were singing along to "Break-A-Way" when we were driving downtown and tons of people were staring at us because we're so cool.
This mix is pertinent to life: "I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city./I soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty." "Say nighty night and tell me you'll miss me." I miss you guys.
Love|MMJ

You're Never Gonna Shake Me

2011-05-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

In order to avoid my Shakespeare paper, I will tell you about this new mix. It is probably the most lovelorn and self-pitying mixtape I've ever made, and that's saying something!

We've Hit A New Low Mix

1. "Be My Baby," The Ronettes
Neediest lyric: I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see./For every kiss you give me, I'll give you three.

2. "That's Alright" (Fleetwood Mac cover), Caitlin Rose
Neediest lyric: [Note: This is actually a fairly emotionally mature break-up song.] I've been waiting,/And I'm through waiting for you./The train sings the same kind of blues.

3. "How Soon Is Now," The Smiths
Neediest lyric: I am human and I need to be loved,/Just like everybody else does.

4. "Jacksonville," Sufjan Stevens
Neediest lyric: N/A [Note: This song is all about Andrew Jackson and abolition or something. Nothing about being HUMAN and needing LOVE.]

5. "Dance Of The Seven Veils," Liz Phair
Neediest lyric: I only ask because I'm a real cunt in spring./You can rent me by the hour.

6. "Always Be My Baby," Mariah Carey
Neediest lyric: Boy don't you know you can't escape me,/Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby.

7. "Le Moribond/My Family's Role In The World Revolution," Beirut
Neediest lyric: Adieu l'Émile, je vais mourir./C'est dur de mourir au printemps, tu sais.

8. "Steady Boyfriend," April Young
Neediest lyric: I dream of dating you every night,/To feel your tender arms when you hold me tight.

9. "Roll On" (featuring Jenny Lewis), Dntel
Neediest lyric: Bitter, lonely, and isolated,/Before I know it I'll be an old maid,/But I love love, yes I do,/Even when its weight cripples you.

10. "How Will He Find Me," Deb Talan
Neediest lyric: Only held by gravity, fated with uncertainty,/No longer young and not that pretty,/How will he ever find me?

11. "When You Tell The Lions," tUnE-yArDs
Neediest lyric: When will my heart swim in the blood bath with other hearts that pulse just like mine?

12. "Middle Cyclone," Neko Case
Neediest lyric: Can't scrape together quite enough/To ride the bus to the outskirts/Of the fact that I need love.

13. "And I Love Her," The Beatles
Neediest lyric: I give her all my love./That's all I do.

14. "Long Boat Pass," Tennis
Neediest lyric: I’ll stay if you ask me to, ask me to,/Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

15. "Coming Up," Caitlin Rose
Neediest lyric: You say I can't be happy/Always feeling like a clown,/But I'll play the fool/As long as you can hang around.

16. "Heaven Is 10 Zillion Light Years Away," Stevie Wonder
Neediest lyric: [Note: This song is like, 100% about God.] Why can't they say that hate is 10 zillion light years away?

17. "For The Price Of A Cup Of Tea," Belle & Sebastian
Neediest Lyric: For the price of a night with me/You'd be the village joke.
The neediest lyrics are of course up for debate. For some of these songs, I could have just written "All." And maybe I didn't mean "neediest"--more like most pathetic?

Love!
MMJ

"Letter To Goldbarth From Big Fork," Richard Hugo

2011-04-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

Letter to Goldbarth From Big Fork

by Richard Hugo

Dear Albert. This is a wholesome town. Really. Cherries grow
big here and all summer a charming theatre puts on
worthy productions. It is Montana at its best, lake
next to town, lovely mountains close by, and independent
people, friendly, generous, always a discernible touch
of the amateur I like. Nothing slick. Montana is
the rest of America 50 years back. Old barber shops
you walk into and don't have to wait. Barbers who take
a long time cutting your hair to make sure they get in all
the latest gossip. Bars where the owner buys every fifth round,
and you buy one for him now and then. Albert, I love it
despite what some think here reading my poems. The forlorn towns
just hanging on take me back to the 30's where most poems
come from, the warm meaningful gestures we make, the warm ways
we search each other for help in a bewildering world,
a world so terrifyingly big we settle for small
ones here we can control. There's a bitter side, too, a mean
suspicion of anything new, of anyone different
or bright. I hate that. I hate feeling as I become well
known that I'm marked: poet, beware. He has insight.
I don't like being tagged negative because I write hurt
as if my inner life on the page is some outer truth,
when it is only my view, not the last word. When it is
not the world photoed and analyzed, only one felt.
I like best of all in Montana how people who've had
nothing from the beginning, never expected a thing,
accept cruelty, weather and man, as normal and who have felt
the bitter strokes of life's gratuitous lash (oh, poets
catch that one), are cheerful, receptive and kind to the end.
So for all their suspicion and distrust of me, they are
my women, my men. And I, who came from the seacoast,
who love the salmon, the damp air of Seattle, finally
have come to call this home. That means, when I say it, I lived
here forever and I knew it first time I saw it nine
years ago. Albert, Big Fork brings out the mountain in me.
And trout help, too. Just now, a stranger drove by and waved.
And I waved back my best wave, Albert. I shouted at him
"hello," and it came back doubled by the hills. At you too. Dick.

___________
Richard Hugo's collected poems, Making Certain It Goes On, is one of the most essential books I know.

"December" by James Schuyler, plus feelings

2010-12-11T16:22:00.001-08:00

December
"Il va neiger dans quelques jours"--Francis Jammes

The giant Norway spruce from Podunk, its lower branches bound,
this morning was reared into place at Rockefeller Center.
I thought I saw a cold blue dusty light sough in its boughs
the way other years the wind thrashing at the giant ornaments
recalled other years and Christmas trees more homey.
Each December! I always think I hate "the overcommercialized event"
and then bells ring, or tiny light bulbs wink above the entrance
to Bonwit Teller or Katherine going on five wants to look at all
the empty sample gift-wrapped boxes up Fifth Avenue in swank shops
and how can I help falling in love? A calm secret exultation
of the spirit that tastes like Sealtest eggnog, made from milk solids,
vanillin, artificial rum flavoring; a milky impulse to kiss and be friends.
It's like what George and I were talking about, the East-West
Coast divide: Californians need to do a thing to enjoy it.
A smile on the street may be loads! you don't have to undress everybody.

"You didn't visit the Alps?"
"No, but I saw from the train they were black and streaked with snow."

Having and giving but also catching glimpses
hints that are revelations: to have been so happy is a promise
and if it isn't kept that doesn't matter. It may snow
falling softly on lashes of eyes you love and a cold cheek
grow warm next to your own in hushed dark familial December.

***

Emotions are assaulting me from all sides. Several strange events have happened in the last 48 hours and they have all involved my cell phone. How does technology work? How does technology work? This time of year is always plagued with expectations and I'm bored with that. Most good things are unpredictable and impermanent.

I've been talking to myself again: "Why are you trying to force my hand?" "Is it really so hard to love me?" "Have some self-respect." I'm feeling the pressure. But I think things might be "happening," though it's only an intuition. A new era would be all right by me.

Love,
Alice

I want your heart to bleed, that's all

2010-11-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

This mix is very girly. It is about liking people who don't like you back, being weird and sad and yet also beautiful. I love pop music, I love Taylor Swift, I love Christina. Represent.

Moody Pop Idol Mix

1. "Oh No, Not My Baby," Maxine Brown
2. "A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off," Magnetic Fields
3. "Speak Now," Taylor Swift
4. "Everything I Am," Kanye West
5. "Galleon," Nellie McKay
6. "Lay All Your Love On Me," ABBA
7. "She's Losing It," Belle & Sebastian
8. "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now," The Smiths
9. "In California," Neko Case
10. "Here Comes My Baby," Cat Stevens
11. "Where Is Your Heart," Kelly Clarkson
12. "Shirin," Jens Lekman
13. "He War," Cat Power
14. "The Good That Won't Come Out," Rilo Kiley
15. "I Don't Know What It Is," Rufus Wainwright
16. "No One's Gonna Love You" (Band of Horses cover), Cee-Lo Green
17. "Limp," Fiona Apple
18. "Cruz," Christina Aguilera

Listen to most of this here.

Hearts,
MMJ

Nothin' but Bone Thugs

2010-11-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

Last year my friend Dylan made me a mix for the first dance party I hosted. He promised it would contain "nothing but Bone Thugs," but it actually is a kick-ass and corny mix, very diverse and nostalgic. I broke it out today when waiting around for Thanksgiving festivities to begin. It seemed appropriate for some reason. Dylan is one of my favorite people. He lives in Minneapolis now and I really miss him.

Dylan's Mix

1. "1st Of Tha Month," Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
2. "Here Comes The Hotstepper," Ini Kamoze
3. "Awnaw," Nappy Roots
4. "Freeze," T-Pain
5. "Notorious Thugs," The Notorious B.I.G.
6. "Africa," Toto
7. "Paper Planes," M.I.A.
8. "Thong Song," Sisqo
9. "Black Or White," Michael Jackson
10. "Informer," Snow
11. "The Boy Is Mine," Brandy and Monica
12. "Paragraph President," Blackalicious
13. "Got Your Money" (featuring Kelis), Ol' Dirty Bastard
14. "Crossroads," Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
15. "Bombs Over Baghdad," Outkast
16. "Gangster's Paradise," Coolio
17. "To Be With You," Mr. Big

<3MMJ

Said the grass is always greener when it bursts up through concrete

2010-08-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

A mix! A mix! Yet another mix. This is a slightly more dancy-happy-catchy summer mixtape, with some hipster cred.

Summer Cool Guy Mix

1. "You're So Fine," Dorothy Berry
2. "I Love The Sound Of Breaking Glass," Nick Lowe
3. "Hey Muscles I Love You," Muscles
4. "Handsome Devil," The Smiths
5. "Chez Les Ye-Ye," April March
6. "Widow's Walk," Van Dyke Parks
7. "Hello New World," Clipse
8. "River Of Orchids," XTC
9. "Chico's Girl," The Girls
10. "Girls Like Mystery," The Cribs
11. "my hopes and dreams," jj
12. "Sleep All Summer," Crooked Fingers
13. "I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor," Tom Jones
14. "My Hood," The Tough Alliance
15. "Laugh Track," Dengue Fever
16. "Can't Stop Now," Major Lazer
17. "How Will You Love Me," Nina Nastasia and Jim White
18. "Ice Cream," Raekwon

Listen to most of this here. Missing the first track and substitutions for tracks 5 and 9. I'm really bummed about having to omit April March.

<3MMJ

I saw the mirror starin' back at me

2010-08-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Story: there's a new poet around these parts named Josh. The other day he drove me and a bunch of other people to the Western Montana State Fair. As we were getting out of his car, he held a CD-R out to me and said, "Hey, do you want to borrow this?" (Then adding, enticingly, "Or keep it?") The CD has "I Blame Coco" written on it in Sharpie.

Turns out I Blame Coco is the name of Sting's daughter's band, but only four of the nineteen tracks on the CD are by them--the rest of the songs are what Josh calls "a really random mix" of noise, electronica, dance, and straight-up sad indie fare. I am developing a sincere affection for this mix--probably more than I've ever had for one I didn't make myself.

I did some googling to find the names of these songs, but some remain too obscure/wordless to identify.

Random Josh mix

1. "Caesar," I Blame Coco
2. "Self Machine," I Blame Coco
3. "Breakneck Speed," Tokyo Police Club
4. "Humdrum Town," Theophilus London
5. "Oh! Centra," Javelin
6. "Never Be," I Blame Coco
7. "Please Rewind," I Blame Coco
8. "Radiowave," Germany Germany
9. (mystery Euro baritone track)
10. "Obsessions," Marina and the Diamonds
11. (mystery spooky electronica track)
12. "Mirror's Image," the Horrors
13. "The Neighborhood Is Bleeding," Manchester Orchestra
14. "In For The Kill," La Roux
15. "Shampain," Marina and the Diamonds
16. (mystery noise track 1)
17. "Voice Of Love," Puerto Rico Flowers
18. "Melectric," Ramona Falls
19. (mystery noise track 2)

Heart,
MMJ

That don't mean I'm gonna be a better man

2010-06-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here is a mix. It is summer-themed, but in sort of a depressing way. Hopefully I'll have a happier one to come soon.

Summer Bummer Mix

1. "Me and You," She & Him

2. "Big Sur," The Thrills
3. "Jackrabbits," Joanna Newsom
4. "Twistin' The Night Away," Sam Cooke
5. "Cripple And The Starfish," Antony & the Johnsons
6. "Babylon," The Tough Alliance
7. "This Charming Man," The Smiths
8. "Sleep All Summer," St. Vincent and the National
9. "Sex," The Pipettes
10. "Don't Let Him Waste Your Time," Jarvis Cocker
11. "It's A Pose," Nellie McKay
12. "Kim & Jessie," M83
13. "I Have A Boyfriend," The Chiffons
14. "I Can't Stay," The Killers
15. "Time Will," Hercules And Love Affair
16. "Wires And Waves," Rilo Kiley
17. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon

Love|MMJ

Lifetime Original Movie: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

2010-06-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

The film Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life treats the subject of porn addiction with the same subtlety that we have come to expect from the Lifetime Movie Network. Which is to say, the subtlety of an upright piano being thrown from a fourth-story window. Which is to say, this one is a fucking doozy.
Cyber Seduction, directed the great Tom McLoughlin, tells the story of Justin (played by the really untalented kid who was Peter Pan in the inappropriately sexy live-action version from a few years ago. You guys know what I'm talking about?), a hot shot high school swimmer whose life is completely destroyed by internet porno, and his hot mom (holla back, Kelly Lynch), who is too computer illiterate to do anything about it.

Justin is dating one of his swimming teammates, Amy, who is into God and not having sex. So ultimately, I think the point is that if Amy were a little less frigid none of this would have happened.

Amy spews lots of Seventeen-magazine lines about saving your V-card for the right moment. She's all, "We're not on a schedule." And "It's not that I never want to make love with you. It's just that when we do, I want it to be magical." You can tell Justin's not really having it. She's like, "Look, for me having sex--" and he finishes, pissily, "Has to come from our hearts, I know, I know."
Thank you, Amy, for explaining the point of this whole stupid movie: she's like, "I don't get the whole porn thing. The way they do it? It's so mechanical. The animal channel shows better relationships." Then Justin of course gives her shit about liking to watch animals do it, 'cause he's a dick.
Justin and Amy discuss their homework. Amy: "Did you read the Kafka?" Justin: "Yeah, the guy wakes up as a cockroach. That would suck." LOL.
Amy is obviously the child of Bush voters. She tells Justin on the phone, "The Founding Fathers didn't talk about religion, but they were men of faith." Justin tells her, "You know, I think it's tight that you're not afraid to talk about your faith." This is undercut some by the fact that he is caressing a lingerie model's breasts with his computer cursor at the same time.
Justin makes fun of Amy for liking Switchfoot. She's all, "It's better than the stuff you listen to," to which he replies, "Green Day rules!" I think this youtube commentor said it best:

It is to be expected that one of the most delightful things about this movie is Lifetime once again missing the mark hardcore on how any kind of technology works.

Justin looks at porn in pretty much the dumbest and most nonsensical ways ever. He downloads all sorts of pictures and then saves them to CD-Rs. And as if that's not leaving enough glaring evidence of his porn problem, he labels the CDs--his mom finds one that has "VIRGINAL VAGINAS" (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) written on it.
As is so often the case, instant messaging is a huge factor in Justin's downfall. (I imagine he's using the Teen Playa platform.) One person sends him a link to "@Big Breasted Women." (Nice random @ there, Lifetime. Feels very internet-y.) There's also awesome typos, obviously: "party at my house. be thier." "you'r sooooo amazing." "when can we get togather?"
Awesome! Justin downloads porn onto Amy's palm pilot and then emails it to himself. His email? "Justin@e-mail." The email's subject line? "good stuff." Totally LOLz. Also, after he gets his little brother addicted to porn, the kid emails pictures of "Sexy Teens" to himself (Alex@e-mail, naturally) under the subject "a note to myself."
The shit hits the fan some when Amy looks in her palm pilot's history and sees all the shit that Justin's been looking at on there--the aforementioned "Big Breasted Beauties," in addition to "College Hotties," "3D Babes" (???), "Colossal Cleavage" and the "Best Legs Ever." There is also weirder stuff--"Super Sluts" and "Tender Toes"!!!!!!!!
Okay Lifetime, this is skirting the outrageously implausible, even for you: Justin's mom gets rid of their internet, so Justin just steals her credit card, enters its numbers into something on their computer, and it's all "You are now free to use the internet." Are we supposed to think he was entering the information on a website? Because you have to have the INTERNET to access websites.

Justin's parents, the poor saps, are helpless against the all-powerful Big Breasted Beauties.

His hot mom has to ask her co-worker whether there's some way to see what someone has been looking at on the internet. The co-worker tells her, with only slightly no-duh delivery, about how to access a browser's history, but warns her, "Any kid worth his mouse knows how to clear the history." Word. Hot mom is all "What's that mean?" When the co-worker explains it, hot mom says, "This internet is getting scary."
At one point, the family computer explodes with pornography, with a deluge of windows of Sexy Teens and 3D Babes flooding the screen. The parents ineptly press at the keyboard, all like "What do we do? Uh--press escape? Oh God!"
The mom finally gets parental control software (It's called BLOXXX. LOL.), but has to have Justin's little brother help her install it. He tells her, "Mom, you know we can get around the software, right?" Lifetime viewers, be warned.
In places, Lifetime is almost breaking the fourth wall with its Mom fear-mongering. The school principal, after Justin has "hacked through the school's firewall" and saved a bunch of porn to his flash drive, tells his parents: "He's not the only student with this type of problem. Since all this new technology makes the internet more available, pornography addiction has become more common."

But you guys? Technology is just one aspect of Lifetime's all-inclusive not-getitude of young people stuff. Like--everyone thinks Justin is the hottest shit ever because he's a good swimmer. Sorry swim team guys, but you are dorks.

Head jock Timmy tells another jock who asks about Justin, "He's a swimmer, butthead. Best 100 freestyler in the whole damn state. Don't you listen to the announcements?"
Sluttish senior Monica is totally trying to get in his Speedo. She's all "I've heard you're quite a fish in the pool. I bet you look incredibly hot in one of those tiny bathing suits."
They also call him "Stroke Man" which is an awkward but appropriate nickname for several reasons.

Ooooh teenager party scene! Thank you Jesus! Because this is Lifetime, it is obviously a pool party, but the real action is going on inside. So the kiddos are sitting around the living room looking at porn on the internet. I mean, duh. They're on the popular search engine "Snoop EZ." One jock says to another "Hey dude, type up 'naked college babes.'"

But even though Timmy and his goons got Justin into this porn stuff, they turn on him pretty hardcore when he starts to get freaky about it.

Justin's at Timmy's and he's all, "I found this pretty extreme website last night." It's a site with "Latex Bondage" pictures. Timmy's grossed out and is afraid of getting spam from the website--like you get worse spam from yuckier porn sites, I guess.
The jocks gang up on Justin in the locker room about the S&M stuff. They call him "Leather boy" and "Kinky the Clown." Justin's all, "Yeah, well, I like to watch a bit of porn before swim practice. It jacks me up a bit." Uhhhh huh.

And it's even worse when Justin refuses Monica's advances. She not only chases him out of her house in a snarling rage when he won't have sex with her, she bonks her own head on her sink so it looks like he beat her up. Then all the jocks find him and beat the shit out of him. Oh porn, it's all your fault! You are the fucking worst!!!

xo,
MMJ

Lifetime Original Movie: Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal

2010-05-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

On the docket for today: the Lifetime Original Fab Five: the Texas Cheerleader Scandal. It was directed by made-for-tv movie auteur Tom McLoughlin, who also directed the masterpiece She's Too Young, which I reviewed here.
Fab Five opens on a hypersexualized cheerleading montage to the sweet sounds of Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman." Suprisingly, though this movie does show a lot of high-school-girl panty in its opening shots, it is mostly a cautionary tale. Fab Five depicts a high school terrorized by a group of scary cheerleader bitches who get away with everything because their ringleader's mother is the principal (Hey Tatum O'Neal! Glad you're getting work!). Idealistic young cheerleading coach Emma Carr comes in hoping to touch these kiddos lives, but you know, shit doesn't exactly work out.

Fab Five and She's Too Young are definitely cut from a similar cloth: they both have the bluelit sequences of teenage troublemaking that incense the Good Housekeeping demographic. These cheerleaders do their fair share of salacious things:

Pool party scene. There is smoke coming off the water for some reason. (And people are still chilling in the pool rather than trying to figure out why it's apparently smoldering.) One of this genre's obligatory cell phone-cinematographer sleazebags is directing the girls in an impromptu photo shoot: "Make out! Kiss her!" And you guys, when the mom comes back and sees what those kids are doing, you know what she says? "There had better be some tequila left in that bottle for my margaritas, or you'll be in trouble." What has our world come to.
But that's nothing compared to this. Our ladies are hanging out in front of a liquor store, but none of them bought their fake IDs. So they pile in a car with a bunch of dudes who are randomly sitting and drinking in the liquor store parking lot. One of the cheerleaders asks them--"Y'all riding dirty?" Because you know, they're young people. Lifetime is hep to that stuff, I hope you know.
And THEN they go across the street from the liquor store to a sex shop called the "Sexy Kitty" (!!!!!). They test fancy lubricants. They try on masks and play with whips. (What, no ball-gags?) They pretend to use vibrators as microphones. Oh, and they're in their cheerleading uniforms the whole time. And it all ends up on YouTube.

But Coach Carr really wanted to make a difference in these girls lives. Contrary to what you might think, this movie is not anti-cheerleader. Disappointingly enough, the rhetoric of this movie overwhelmingly stresses how cheerleading is like, wholesome and important and awesome. Coach Carr especially brings these points home in her incredibly clunky and heavy handed dialogue.

Here's an inspiring speech: Coach Carr asks the queen bitch, Brooke, "Why are you a cheerleader?" "Because I'm good at it," Brooke replies. "You're good at the physical part," Coach Carr admits, "But there's more to it than that. Cheerleading's about being a certain kind of person. A person who cares. Cares about her squad, her fellow students, her school..." I think all of us can say from experience that one of the requirements to get on any high school cheerleading squad is being super, super nice.
How's this for pillow talk? On an intimate night at home, Coach C. says to her husband, "I want to see my husband get his master's degree." He's all, "Then what did you have planned?" And she's like, "Maybe making my mama a grandmama." And then they totally do it.
Sometimes Coach Carr actually is pretty ineffectual. In the hotel at cheer camp, she hears yelling in the hallway. One of the younger cheerleaders complains that Brooke has stolen her roll of duct tape. "I wanted to play a joke on the captains, tape them up in their rooms like we did last year." Coach Carr makes Brooke give the duct tape back, saying, "Look, I don't want to ruin your fun, but you can't just steal someone's stuff." Even if they plan to bind you with it? Isn't that just self defense?
At the end, when Coach Carr is interviewed on the news, she says, "I know you guys are going to continue to call this a real life Mean Girls story." Wow, this movie thinks really highly of itself.

These girls really do have the run of things at the school, and they are what I believe is known as "pieces of work."

One of the mean girls comes to practice with a huge chunk of writing on her leg. When Coach Carr inquires about it she says, "Ok fine, I wrote the test answers on my leg. Big whoop."
They're all super excited to be on the news--even if it is for being total drunky, slutty, out-of-control bitches. Brooke whines, "Why did they blur out our faces?" Afterward, one says: "Do you feel like Paris Hilton?" Another replies: "More like Lindsay Lohan. With a little bit of Britney."

But you guys, it isn't just that kind of crap that they get away with. These cheerleaders are on some kind of 'roids or something, because they are laying the smackdown on everybody.

Two of the cheerleaders are for some reason fighting over this mulleted older dude in a cut-off t-shirt. When Jeri finds out that her boyfriend has been sleeping with Ashley, she and the other cheerleaders chase her through the halls of the school, with action movie music playing in the background. Eventually they corner her against a wrought iron door (very dramatic) and kick the shit out of her. There are many insults thrown ("you fugly slut!") and the cell phone cinematographer is naturally capturing all of it.
Later, in class, Jeri says, "Trevor says Ashley's so crap in bed. And she makes sounds like a monkey." Then the entire class makes monkey sounds at the poor girl while she weeps.
Brooke and her minions lie in wait in the hallway for the cheerleader who told their parents about the sex shop video. This sequence is seriously shot like a mugging on a cop show--the beating is even shot through a chainlink fence for some reason.
Aggro Brooke says to the girl who rescues the tattle tale from her, "I hope you do tell on me, because it would make me so happy to smash your face in."
They even gang up on poor Coach Carr. They send a text message to the hunky tennis coach from her phone saying, "I think we should hot box." When she freaks out, they're all, "I told you she would think hot boxing was something about sex."

And the school administration is there the whole time doing nothing! Brooke's mom, affectionately known as BLT ("Blazin' Lorraine Tippit." Is that some kind of drug thing?), and her allies at the ominously named "Central Office," pretty much get Brooke and her goons out of everything.

At one point, the girls decide to skip class to drink straight whiskey in the parking lot. (Teenagers in Lifetime Originals never use mixers.) When they are caught, they aren't written up because, as the superintendent says, "The bottle was empty. I have no evidence that they were drinking it."
When some of the cheerleaders are given demerits, BLT's all, "I cannot tell you how royally pissed I am." "At me?" Brooke asks. But BLT's like, "No! At Coach Carr. I did not hire her to go on a witch hunt for demerits." (Nota bene--This is obviously foreshadowed in this earlier line: "I didn't write my stupid paper on stupid McCarthyism.")
Classic: the superintendent tells Coach Carr, "You're out of line." She's all crazy-eyed, "This WHOLE SCHOOL is out of line!"

Finally, these screen shots are blurry but look at these fucking outfits!

Dawson's Creek, Season 1, Episode 9: Road Trip

2010-05-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dawson's still super depressed about his breakup with Jen so he goes on a road trip with Pacey and Billy to a bar in Providence where they've heard there is abundant college-girl ass. On the ferry there, they feloniously fuck up these guys' car in a pretty conspicuous manner and for some reason it's a really triumphant moment. Meanwhile, this jock named Warren is telling the whole school that he and Joey slept together, so she starts a rumor about herself that she's pregnant (WTF??? Seriously?????) to get back at him. At the bar, Dawson meets this film nerd girl named Nina and feels vaguely better about life. Jen and Joey come to a sort of understanding at the end with the help of cookie dough ice cream.
Quotes! Quotes! Quotes!

That will take you five more seasons
Dawson: "I don't think I've exceeded the statute of limitations on angst."

Oh snap!
Warren: "I'm on my way to school, do you want a lift?"
Joey: "No thanks, I'm waiting for Ted Bundy."

Joey: "He told me he loved me."
Abby: "$100,000 pyramid: 'Things guys say in the backseat.'"

Dawson to Billy: "We both got our hearts broken by the same girl, but at least Jen didn't flee the state to get away from me."

Pacey: "Everybody knows you're a regular Richie Cunningham. And Billy, he's the Fonz..."
Dawson: "Congratulations, that makes you Potsie."

Abby, on Warren: "Let's just say he had a soft spot for the ladies in a very unfortunate location."

Joey, you can be kind of a bitch sometimes
"Dawson, the neighbor girl dumped you. No one died. Just get over it."

to Jen: "Is that what Dawson was for you? Just some patsy to take the fall for all the guys who've done you wrong?"

Dawson's distorted self-perception
on Jen: "She rejected romance, honesty, and respect."

"Blind optimism is one of my faults."

More Dawson perception
Pacey: "Let me put it this way--you know how when cartoon characters are trying to make a decision and the good angel pops up on one shoulder and you get the little devil on the other? Well I don't have a good angel, Dawson. I just have you."

Nina: "You've launched into a pretty convincing Rain Man impression."

Joey: "Just picturing Dawson so... male. I don't know, it's made me nauseous all day."

That was awkward
Joey: "I may be virgin, but believe me, it's by choice."

Abby, on Joey: "Imagining what she'll look like with a bowling ball in her uterus? Don't bother."

Warren to Joey: "So is the air cold or are you just happy to see me?" [Nipple comments are always so charming.]

Billy: "For future reference, getting lucky comes down to a simple Beatles/Stones question. Do you want to hold her hand or do you want to spend the night together?"

Joey: "How do you know that Dawson and I haven't been going at it for years? I mean, we could be annotating the Kama Sutra for all you know."

From the Exists In Some Variation In Every Episode Of Dawson's Creek collection
Nina: "So what are you Dawson, some sort of film buff?"

It's a hard-knock life
Dawson: "What can I provide you with this time, Billy? A place to stay or just another chance to screw up my life?

Dawson: "It's tough to come up with creative moping strategies once I realize that everything I'm about is exactly what turned her off."

Joey to Jen: "I'm having an ice cream anti-social, you want to join me?"

Thesaurus Rex
Dawson: "There you go again, equating fun with youthful indiscretion."

Joey to Jen: "You don't care about me. You're just looking for some convenient revenge scenario to dump all your residual anger."

Pacey: "Generally speaking, you're better at verbiage than actual verbs."
Dawson: "Verbs?"
Pacey: "Yeah, action words: revel, carouse, party."

Pick-up lines
Nina: "My name is Nina. And if you ask me where Pinta and Santa Maria are, I'll be so out of here."

Pacey: "Hey there. I'm the drummer for Pearl Jam. You?"

<3MMJ

Dawson's Creek, Season 1, Episode 8: Boyfriend

2010-05-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

This week Jen's bad boy ex from New York, Billy, rolls into Capeside and Dawson somehow gets roped into letting him stay at his house (in Dawson's room, people!!!). Dawson is understandably weirded out and insecure about this, and not understandably kind of a dickbag to Jen about her past. Joey is mad tired and stressed out 'cause of Bessie's new baby, and she goes to a party and gets wasted to blow off some steam. When Pacey and Dawson rescue her and take her home, she totally kisses Dawson on the mouth, but he's clueless as to what that might mean. In the end Jen decides she needs some me-time and breaks things off with both Billy and Dawson, and Dawson is bummed. Oh, and Dawson's parents are trying to get their marriage back on track by taking classes at the Y or something.
Quotes! Quotes! Quotes!

'Cause that's how TV works
Joey to Dawson: "Dawson, relax, don't worry about it. It's all going to blow over and you'll be onto bigger and better problems before you know it."

Fodor's Guide to Capeside
Pacey: "This town is the embodiment of dull. Apart from the occasional sex scandal provided by yours truly, nothing happens here."

Joey to Dawson: "Dawson, I hate to break it to you, but your problems really aren't that original. You know, divorce and dysfunction run rampant in this town."

Dawson's distorted self-perception
"See, in the 40's, you could be a well-intentioned geek and still end up with the girl. What ever happened to the standard Gary Cooper type? You know--likable without being too self-involved, smart without being arrogant."

"Let's face it, Dad, we're a couple of nice guys--which stopped being a desirable character trait about a half a century ago."

to Jen: "Of course, he's treated you with nothing but respect. But you know what, Jen, the last time I checked, so did I. And how do I get repaid? By having the guy who's had you everywhere from Battery Park to your parents' bed dumped on me as my new bunkmate." [Sooo respectful, right? Lording a woman's past indescretions over her is the height of caring and respect.]

"You know, for someone who views himself as a tragically nice guy, I spend a lot of time apologizing."

Thesaurus Rex
Billy: "You know what, I think that's where we disagree Dawson, because not only does it concern me, it concerns me gravely. So if there was ever a third and expendable wheel in this scenario, it would be you."

Oh snap!
Pacey to Joey: "Look Joey, I've never really taken a particular interest in your life because, frankly, your life has never been particularly interesting."

Pacey: "How do I look?
Joey: "Like a before picture in an ad for geek remover." [What is this geek remover? And how do I get some?]

Billy: "You're leaving me for a guy who's got an ET doll on his bed?"

Pacey rescuing drunk Joey from the party: "All right, Jo, say goodnight to the nice serial rapist man."

Dawson to Billy: "I assume you haven't tried to steal anything. You know, other than my girlfriend."

THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING JOEY'S EXTREMELY SUBTLE MOTIVATIONS
Dawson to Joey: "I know it's been a tough week for you, you always trying to handle everything by yourself. Is that why you got drunk tonight, Jo? Because you needed a little break from your life?"

Pacey to Joey: "You have some raging hormonal obsession with our friend Dawson, and you just can't wait to get your hooks in him but good, can you?

Sing it, Mitch
"Anyone who's never been hurt is either very lucky or very lonely."

From the Exists In Some Variation In Every Episode Of Dawson's Creek collection
Jen: "Dawson, I know I've made some mistakes. But at least I don't live in a fantasy world where everyone is pure."

Dawson: "My life is rapidly becoming a punchline to some seriously disturbed joke."

Mitch: "Hey Dawson. How's it going?"
Dawson: "Complicated. You?"

Jen: "I'm pretty. I'm lucky. I'm fortunate. And I am still way too unhappy most of the time."

That was awkward
Mitch to Gail: "We've never tried swinging or spouse swapping--wouldn't that be more appealing to your recreational tastes?"

Dawson to Jen: "He's Mr. Got-Caught-Doing-It-In-Your-Parents'-Bed, isn't he?"

Um, duh
Dawson: "It's just that Mr. Smooth rolls into town, and all of a sudden bowling sounds lame."

Joey to Dawson: "I'm beginning to think relationship problems run in your family."

Gail: "I don't think scuba diving, water skiing or bungee jumping is the key to solving our problems."

Dawson: "Trust me, there's a difference between friendship and love."

THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING THIS EPISODE'S EXTREMELY SUBTLE CONFLICT
Billy to Dawson: "This must be pretty weird for you. Having me here. Having your girlfriend's ex share your bedroom."

Heart!
MMJ

Dawson's Creek, Season 1, Episode 7: Detention

2010-05-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Everyone's rageaholics this week in Capeside. Jen gets in a fight with her teacher about euthanasia, Joey kicks the school football star's ass in the lunch room, Dawson breaks Pacey's nose with a basketball for calling him Oompa Loompa. They all end up in all-day detention with school bitch Abby and all kinds of shit comes to the surface. In a game of truth or dare Jen and Pacey kiss and then Joey and Dawson kiss. Joey pretty much admits to having the hots for Dawson and then has a freak out. Also, they play a game called "Guess My Butt" and the reason Pacey is in detention is that he was masturbating in the bathroom.
Quotes! Quotes! Quotes!

Oh snap!
Dawson: "Obviously if you won't tell me, you were talking trash about me."
Pacey: "Hey, I don't talk trash--I recycle."

Abby to Jen: "Ok miss Big Apple. If you wanna hang out with these backwater black sheep don't let me stop you."

Abby: "We should all play a game."
Pacey: "What do you want to play, pin the tail on the ho bag?"

Pacey: "At least you have a girlfriend. I have nothing left."
Abby: "You have your hand."

Um, duh
Pacey: "We used to call him Oompa Loompa."
Jen: "Oompa Loompa? What's that?

Abby: "It's just so punitive."
Miss Tringle, the librarian: "That's what detention is, punishment."

That was awkward
Joey to Dawson: "She might not choose the romantic doofus who woos her with flowers and cheesy poems. She just might choose the guy who has the faster car, or bigger bicep, or bigger [EYEBROW RAISED] joystick."

Jen to Dawson: "Let's do something wild this weekend. Like river rafting, or jumping out of a plane naked."

Abby, explaining why she's in detention: "Ever been to the boy's locker room? Ever heard of a little drug called ecstasy? Ever heard of an orgy?"

Real subtle, Joshua Jackson
Pacey, at the suggestion that the cast of The Breakfast Club hadn't made anything of themselves: "Emilio Estevez, he was in those duck movies, remember? God those were classics. So funny."

Joey, you can be kind of a dick sometimes
to Dawson: "This movie really threatens you, doesn't it?"

to Dawson: "If girls are so attracted to the romantic guys, then why won't Jen have sex with you?"

Joey: "Why do you have to be like this?"
Jen: "Like what?"
Joey: "So nice! God!"

So. Much. Angst.
Joey to Dawson: "If you're worried about everyone being more experienced than you, you can rest easy. You still have one friend who will probably go to her grave a virgin."

Jen: "Sometimes it feels like my whole life here's one great big detention that I can't escape."

THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING THIS EPISODE'S EXTREMELY SUBTLE PREMISE
Dawson: "This is so Breakfast Club. You know the John Hughes movie where the five kids are stuck in detention all day?"

<3MMJ

Dawson's Creek, Season 1, Episode 6: Baby

2010-04-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Pacey brags to Dawson in the bathroom about his illicit relationship with his English teacher and (SHOCKINGLY) gets overheard, so everybody in school finds out. On the other side of the creek, Joey's sister Bessie goes into labor at Dawson's house and the only person who can deliver the baby is that bitch Grams. In a dramatic scene before the schoolboard, Pacey defends Mary Kay Letourneau against his own accusations and saves the day. Then she skips town and that incredibly implausible storyline is over.
QUOTES! QUOTES! QUOTES!

Thesaurus Rex
Jen, after butting in on movie night: "It's easy to see that I've intruded on a very personal ritual here and clearly my presence is making you uncomfortable."

Pacey to Deputy Doug: "Just as a matter of curiosity, did it ever occur to you, just for a brief moment, to defend or support me in this conversation? Or does the Witter family credo prevent such emotions?"

Jen: "There she is, right on schedule, keeping an ever vigilant eye on my wanton lifestyle."

Grams, you bitch
"Standard King James Edition. Old and New Testament--though I am partial to the later chapters."

Grams: "In this house, we don't ogle naked men."
Jen: "No, we pray to them, right?" [Oh snap!!!]

Psychobabble
Jen: "Grams's way of dealing with my point of view is to act like it doesn't exist, which of course infuriates me, and it causes it me to speak emotionally rather than rationally and I become rude and defensive, giving her even more of a reason to dismiss my viewpoints."

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Mary Kay Letourneau: "Romeo and Juliet offers perhaps the most notable example of the 'forbidden fruit' theme that we'll examine this year."

Pacey: "The way I've got this figured, once I've got my learners permit, this woman's going to cave completely."

Mary Kay: "Us ending was inevitable. Maybe you'd graduate. Maybe I'd meet someone my own age."

Bessie Exposition
"One hospital with one ambulance and no doctor within 30 miles. Another of the hidden joys of living in the middle of nowhere."

On the phone with the 911 operator: "Listen you sorry-ass civil servant, this is the mother-to-be talking. Maybe I'm not in the tax bracket that guarantees a prompt response to medical distress, but I have a shoeful of amniotic fluid and my pelvis is beating like a rumba band and I'm in real danger of having my first child delivered by two high school students, so why don't you stop making excuses, get off your oversized backside and get us an ambulance before my fetus enters college." [Ugh. Bessie is the worst.]

Joey: "She's a nurse, she can help."
Bessie: "She's also a borderline racist who hates everything about me, and my boyfriend, and my unborn child."

<3MMJ

Dawson's Creek, Season 1, Episode 5: Hurricane

2010-04-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

Hello again Dawson's Creek. You have come back into my life in a dramatic and unexpected fashion just in time for me to watch you instead of doing my homework. Thank you.
***
Season 1, Episode 5: Hurricane
This episode is a variation on the TV Trope "Snowed In," where the inhabitants of Capeside are bracing for a big storm, and Dawson, Jen, Joey, Grams, and Dawson's folks all end up at Dawson's house, and Pacey, Pacey's cop brother Deputy Doug, and Mary Kay Letourneau all end up at Mary Kay Letourneau's house. Dawson calls Jen a slut, sort of, which makes her sad. Dawson's mom tells his dad about how she's been banging her co-anchor which makes him sad. Mom and Dad have a Redemption In The Rain scene, 'cept without so much redemption. And Deputy Doug's hitting on Mary Kay, even though Pacey keeps saying he's gay which he probably is.
Quotes! Quotes! Quotes!

From the Exists In Some Variation in Every Episode of Dawson's Creek collection
Joey to Dawson: "Just for tonight, can we put our rapid ascent into adulthood on hold?"

Joey to Jen: "I think Dawson's having a life-defining turning point in his life right now." [It's about his life, okay, get it?]

Spielberg H. Christ
Dawson on Grams's favorite movies: "Frank Capra and Steven Spielberg are often compared for their thematic content."

Jen to Dawson: "Some of us aren't imaginary characters in a Spielberg film. Some of us live in reality." [This could also go in the "in every episode" section.]

Psychobabble
Dawson (finding Joey hiding in his closet): "What are you doing in there?"
Joey: "Just regressing for a moment."

Joey to Jen: "Dawson was wrong to spew his anger at his mom onto you."

Dawson's analysis of old movies: "Fears of abandonment turned into fantasy spectacles of security and joy."

Pacey to Deputy Doug: "Any therapist will tell you these are just mere repression tactics to mask your true homosexual desires."
[But seriously you guys, Deputy Doug knows everything about musicals. Talking to Mrs. Letourneau, he name-drops Ethel Merman and sings a verse of "What I Did For Love." Also, when Pacey calls him gay, he pulls his gun on him! All this might be indicating something.]

Grams, you bitch
"If the Lord decides to blow my house away, so be it."

Joey's preggers older sister: "We don't even know if it's going to be a girl or a boy."
Grams: "Or black or white."

"I used to be a big fan of motion pictures." [How old is this bitch, seriously? Does she drive a Model T?]

Super Prudes
Jen: "I was sexualized way too young, and I don't wish that on anybody. I mean, sex at such a young age more often than not is a bad idea." [Thanks Mom.]

Dawson to his mom: "I've got a new award for you, Mom. It's not a trophy, though. It comes in the form of an A, and [points to chest] you have to stitch it right here." [Calling his own mom a ho! In the nerdiest of ways! Awesome!]

That was awkward
Jen to Joey: "Do you think Dawson's got a pistol or a rifle?"

Thesaurus Rex
Dawson: "Is the proposition of monogamy such a Jurassic notion?"

Dawson's mom: "I discovered perfection obtained is a discomfiting state."

Dawson to Joey: "If you give me a chance to rectify my belligerent ways, I promise I will make every effort to be a friend worthy of you."

THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING THIS EPISODE'S EXTREMELY SUBTLE THEMES
Dawson: "Everything's postponed because of the hurricane, my life included."
Joey: "Your life is a hurricane."

<3MMJ

Lifetime Original Movie: She's Too Young

2010-04-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

So today I made the fateful decision to watch the Lifetime Original Movie She's Too Young on Hulu instead of reading or doing homework, and boy am I glad I did.

Picture this: the year is 2004, and those relentlessly innovative American (Canadian?) teenagers have just invented sex. Little do they know, though, that their discovery would come with a price.

She's Too Young tells the story of goody-two-shoes Hannah, who falls in with what I believe used to be known as a "fast crowd," much to the chagrin of her uptight career woman mother (Marcia Gay Harden! Look what has become of you!). There are many, many highlights in this film, which I have tried to organize below.

This movie has amazing montages, especially ones containing debauched teenage behavior. Most are general (joints being rolled, pants being unzipped, lattes being drank) but there are a few that are worth noting:

Fatalistic email montage with closeups on porny spam messages ("Girls Girls Girls!" "Watch me do it!")
Sequence of girls showing up to school in modest get-ups and getting all Britney Spears-ified in the bathroom
Supersleuth montage of the school nurses making a syphilis map with their list of 14-year old Dawn's TWENTY sexual partners. (More on Dawn later. She's amazing.)
Kids reading flier telling them to get tested for syphilis: "'Untreated, this could be a very serious disease?' STUPID." Montage of people ripping up/throwing away fliers.
Graphic image-search action of syphilis sores. Delish. (True story: instead of using google, they use a search engine called "LOOKFINDNOW.com.")

As you maybe could see in that previous list, this film really deftly handles interweb stuff. Take for instance its treatment of instant messaging: all the kids use a chatting platform called "Teen Playa" (SERIOUSLY), and their messages are amazing.

Hey grrrl
Im bummin
4get him U R 2 good for that jerk. [Don't you mean 4 that jerk???]
UR a HO and your M is a bitch!

Okay, as for the unfortunate Dawn. She is definitely the most promiscuous of the bunch, but you will see why.

Y'all, she has a total Amy Poehler in Mean Girls-style mother. After she finds out Dawn has syphilis, she's all "Do you want me to ground you? I mean, I don't want to stop you from having a good time."
Dawn tells Hannah, "I'm a fourteen-year-old sexpert," then proceeds to demonstrate sexual positions with two Barbie dolls. As a middle school sexpert would.
In a tragic ending pointing to the cycle of sluttishness starting anew, her silent, bespectacled younger sister takes one of her fishnet tops and holds it up to herself in the mirror.

In Pretty in Pink style, Hannah has a nerdy guy friend, Tommy, who she should have been getting with this whole time. Maybe.

They discuss Poe and Hawthorne in the hallway at school. (He prefers Poe. She thinks The Scarlet Letter is romantic or something.)
He's all, "Hey, do you want to catch the Truffaut playing downtown?" That shit warmed my heart a little bit.
She's in his basement and she sees that he's developing all these pictures he took of her on his cell phone without her knowledge . She's all like, "That's so... cool... of you," and he's like, "Yeah, but girls still don't want to go out with me!" Oh Tommy. You creeper.
At the end of the movie, when Hannah is being assaulted by this goon at the party, he saves the day by bursting in the room with cell phone in hand, saying, "Let her go man, or I email your face straight to 911." Um, that's so not how technology works, but ok.

In closing, I want to describe my favorite sequence in the movie.
Hannah and her friends Dawn and Becca are babysitting for Becca's little brother. First, they perform a slutty cheerleading routine for the toddler including the line "Boys love to grab my ass."

THEN they lounge in the living room with two boys, drinking vodka straight from the bottle while the little brother watches cartoons in the kitchen.

THEN they go upstairs to watch porn and take part in a nightvision orgy. Hannah is understandably skeeved out by this; one of the boys attempts to persuade her by reminding her, "Hey, you're not in middle school anymore, ok?"

WATCH HERE: http://www.hulu.com/watch/142095/lifetime-movies-shes-too-young

I just wasn't made for these times

2010-04-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

I know all this

But can't seem to keep it from affecting me,
Every day, all day. I've tried recreation,
Reading until late at night, train rides
And romance.
--John Ashbery

Alice is Full of Rainy Day Regret Mix

1. "No One Will Ever Love You" The Magnetic Fields
2. "Care Of Cell 44" The Zombies
3. "VCR" The XX
4. "All Things Must Pass" George Harrison
5. "Hold On, Hold On" Neko Case
6. "Equally Damaged" Blonde Redhead
7. "The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders" Sufjan Stevens
8. "Metal Heart" Cat Power
9. "Let It Die" Feist
10. "First Few Desperate Hours" The Mountain Goats
11. "Runnin' Out Of Fools" Neko Case
12. "We Rule The School" Belle & Sebastian
13. "Everything" Marching Band
14. "Sweet-Loving Man" The Magnetic Fields
15. "Our Love Was" The Who
16. "Does Not Suffice" Joanna Newsom
17. "Everything I Try To Do, Nothing Seems To Turn Out Right" The Decemberists
18. "Trying My Best To Love You" Jenny Lewis
19. "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times" The Beach Boys

Hangin' on too long

2010-03-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

How come is it that I can never get over anyone or anything from my past? Anyways, this mix. It is weird and dorky, kind of. Nostalgic, to an extent.

Alice Has a Lot of Feelings Mix

1. "You Really Got A Hold On Me" - She & Him
2. "I'm Leaving You Because I Don't Love You" - Jens Lekman
3. "How Long Do I Have To Wait For You?" - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
4. "At Last" - Neko Case
5. "More Than Friends" Estelle
6. "Dance Music" - The Mountain Goats
7. "Come Back To San Francisco" - The Magnetic Fields
8. "I Want The One I Can't Have" - The Smiths
9. "With Arms Outstretched" - Rilo Kiley
10. "My Tennessee Mountain Home" - Dolly Parton
11. "One Year Of Solitude" - Cataldo
12. "Hanging On Too Long" - Duffy
13. "Gotta Have You" - The Weepies
14. "For Halloween" - No Kids
15. "Lost Coastlines" - Okkervil River
16. "Waltz (Better Than Fine)" - Fiona Apple
17. "Ghost Of Corporate Future" - Regina Spektor
18. "Hard To Do" - Cataldo
19. "I Would Be Sad" - The Avett Brothers
20. "You've Really Got A Hold On Me" - Laura Nyro

Love|MMJ

A pep talk

2010-03-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Alice, don't you see? You don't always have to ferret love from under a rock, seeking the most strange and elusive subjects. The sociophobe, the hermit, the awkward turtle, the misanthrope--yes, their admiration is oddly flattering. But just because you are the only person they agree to hang out with doesn't mean they like hanging out. This isn't a contest, Alice. Everyone knows you're charming. There's no shame in courting a normal dude.

Clippings

2010-02-26T15:20:00.001-08:00

I workshopped a poem the other week that was very, very kooky. The famous poet Brian Blanchfield suggested that I should eliminate about 10 lines from the piece--I did, and what got cut is sort of fascinating, I think. Here are the unlucky lines. (Don't steal these, you guys! I might use them later!)

A breadcrumb walking with us, a bread pudding,
rices.
It’s not fair, the sound of bone filing and looks
like a wax paper crown—there’s a full belt of sounds
so why does the TV choose the bear claws or just scum the bad parts?
Oh and the August, it is gelling things, the posters and the wax of which
are in magazines but no one knows their names—maybe
dry is one, or maybe muskrat. Either way, they are free
so maybe I’ll hold one for my birthday. Joints,
the bone gags—all the crag we remember is dairy now,
just grandpa glasses pramming the ear or nose.
That program about the bears, that’s the one that gum is like.
I get in it and sleep, Grandpa’s room, say
all the candles are in the swimming pool so make
a windy day, a wish.

This idea was stolen from my roomie Molly's brilliant blog, where she posted all the stuff she cut from one of her stories.

Love!
MMJ

Mix for David

2010-02-10T12:35:00.001-08:00

no one is a stranger, this whole world is your home.
--Franz Wright

1. "Fire and Rain" James Taylor
2. "The Funeral" Band of Horses
3. "Wake Up" Arcade Fire
4. "Hope There's Someone" Antony & the Johnsons
5. "Casimir Pulaski Day" Sufjan Stevens
6. "Our Discussion" Nina Nastasia and Jim White
7. "End of the Line" The Travelling Wilburys
8. "King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1"
9. "A Man/Me/Then Jim" Rilo Kiley
10. "Nightswimming" R.E.M.
11. "I Will Never Forget" Kimya Dawson
12. "Land of a Thousand Words" Scissor Sisters
13. "John Allyn Smith Sails" Okkervil River
14. "Love Love Love" The Mountain Goats
15. "Your Protector" Fleet Foxes
16. "Van Occupanther" Midlake
17. "And When I Die" Laura Nyro
18. "The Engine Driver" The Decemberists
19. "South Tacoma Way" Neko Case
20. "While You Were Sleeping" Elvis Perkins

You can listen to most of this here: blip.fm/AlicePractice

I miss him so much.

Some girls are bigger than others

2009-12-15T10:06:00.000-08:00

Listening the the Smiths aggravates what is already a strong impulse toward melancholia in me. But I can't help that Morrissey is the only person who understands me--I do hate it when my friends become successful! And heaven knows I'm miserable now! And Keats and Yeats are on my side!
The moodiest mix
1. "Cemetery Gates" by The Smiths
2. "The State I Am In" by Belle and Sebastian
3. "I Want Love" by Elton John
4. "I Need All The Friends I Can Get" by Camera Obscura
5. "Your Dictionary" by XTC
6. "Save Me From What I Want" by St. Vincent
7. "Billy Liar" by the Decemberists
8. "I Felt Your Shape" by the Microphones
9. "Equally Damaged" by Blonde Readhead
10. "Million Miles" by Mirah
11. "Don't Think That I Won't Leave" by Cataldo
12. "Black Mirror" by Arcade Fire
13. "Not Even Jail" by Interpol
14. "The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us!" by Sufjan Stevens
15. "I Was Young When I Left Home" by Antony and Bryce Dessner
16. "Tulsa" by Rufus Wainwright
17. "Colors And The Kids" by Cat Power
18. "Sacrificial Bonfire" by XTC
19. "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths

<3MMJ

Advice to Me: Part 2

2009-12-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being in graduate school is confusing and hard.

And when you are in graduate school for creative writing, it isn't hard because of all of the hard work you have to do, but because you feel inferior and like you might be secretly wasting your time.

This Advice to Me speaks to those feelings, sort of, even though the exigency it arose from I think was probably dude-related.
In the long run, the pros will outweigh the cons.
You can only do what you feel is right.
You are attractive.
People want to be around you
You have a duty to yourself to express your feelings.
Do what you enjoy.
There is no problem that you can't solve.
You are not accountable for your friends' decisions.
Things are not always what they appear.
Expect nothing.
You decide to be disappointed with your life.
Say "thank you."
Don't over analyze.
Try new things.
The future will be much different--and better--than you can ever know.
Take pride in your accomplishments.
Extricate yourself from unrewarding and dysfunctional situations.
Be your own advocate.
You are brave.

Hmm. These are kind of embarrassing sometimes. But I still think they are nice, and maybe things we need to hear.

Love,
MMJ

Bonus Mix Timez

2009-12-01T23:51:00.001-08:00

John is my poetry friend. He is one of my favorite people. I made him this mix tape to show my appreciation.

John-is-the-greatest Mix
1. "Gone Sugaring" Mirah
I'll have eyes that have seen the wilds of Pennsylvania in the winter time.
2. "Fucking Boyfriend" The Bird and the Bee
3. "And I Remember Every Kiss" Jens Lekman
4. "My Lady Story" Antony and the Johnsons
5. "Earn Enough For Us" XTC
6. "Natural Born Lover" Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings
7. "I Don't Blame You" Cat Power
8. "Tiger Phone Card" Dengue Fever
9. "Ghosts" Laura Marling
10. "Just Go Away" Blondie
11. "Gloomy Planets" the Notwist
12. "Me Plus One" Annie
13. "Ex Factor" Lauryn Hill
14. "Awkward Kisser" Telekinesis!
15. "I've Been Out Walking" Nina Nastasia and Jim White
16. "Two Doves" The Dirty Projectors
17. "All My Stars Aligned" St. Vincent

Sweet dreams,
<3mmj

Liking people

2009-12-01T21:28:00.001-08:00

You know how when you like someone? Every song you hear makes you think of them? And how that is a total cliché? But it totally happens like, ALL the time? This is like that.

That kind of mix
1. "Wedding Cake" Cataldo
2. "(The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes" Elvis Costello
3. "For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti" Sufjan Stevens
4. "My Sweet Lord" George Harrison
[I really wanna see you/I really wanna be with you. That is about the Lord Krishna, Alice! Not liking boys! Honestly!]
5. "Empty Hearts" Josh Ritter
6. "Easter Theatre" XTC
7. "New Year's Kiss" Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
8. "Must I Paint You A Picture" Billy Bragg
[Must I paint you a picture/About the way that I feel. This one makes me particularly wistful.]
9. "Pulling Mussels (From A Shell)" Squeeze
10. "Girlfriend" Phoenix
11. "The Dress Looks Nice On You" Sufjan Stevens
12. "Harvester of Hearts" Rufus Wainwright
[If a person should ever like a person/How funny that would be/If a person should ever like me. I'm just going to leave that there.]
13. "Fatalist Palmistry" Why?
14. "Got My Mind Set On You" George Harrison
[This one. Oh man. It gets me.]
15. "Stoned Soul Picnic" Laura Nyro
16. "Nutted By Reality" Nick Lowe
17. "Don't Deconstruct" Rilo Kiley
18. "When I Say Go" The 1900s
[Waiting for the one I love, I've been/Forgetting you.]
19. "And When I Die" Laura Nyro
20. "Now At Last" Feist
[What makes winters lonely?/Now at last I know. Oh Jesus. Why do I have so much feelings.]

Now that I reexamine it, this mix is a little bit dorky. Not too much hip-guy cred.
Love,
MMJ

Advice to Me

2009-11-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

Like a year and a half ago I started doing this dorky thing where I write "Advice to Me," usually after some embarrassing incident has left me feeling all bad about myself. I think it is generally right on the money, although I give myself the same advice all the time and rarely follow it. Here is the very first installment. The piece of advice that I now think is the most relevant/useful is bolded.

Advice to Me
Stop assuming everyone hates you
Love will come to you when you least expect it.
You are allowed to enjoy your life.
The past is behind you.
Always trying to avoid humiliation leaves you feeling like shit.
Opting out of a social life is more comfortable but also more depressing. [Note: I originally wrote "buying out"--which might be a more interesting interpretation.]
Honesty is attractive. Your neuroses are not.
It is impossible to know what others are thinking.
Trying to control everything is not productive and makes you feel and appear insane.
Obsessing accomplishes nothing.
Don't deny your feelings.
It's okay to like people. It's okay to tell them you like them.
People who suck are not worth your time.
Looking to others for validation only leads to disappointment.
Your problems are not new. Remember: no matter how you're feeling, everyone feels that way sometimes.
Focus on the positive.

Heart!
MMJ

Alice's adolescent journal PART III

2009-09-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Alice's ancient online journal PART III: Why do you hate Alice?

It seems there was a time at the beginning of 10th grade where everyone hated Alice. Take these successive entry titles from October of that year for example:

Isn't it a relief that days can be sort of fun, even when everyone hates you? At times the anecdotes about haters are fairly straightforward:

Today didn't really suck. today when Paul walked into choir he looked at me and was like "oh my god." and a little later marie said really loud "who are you talking about?" and paul mouthed (very clearly) "ALICE" I"m just like, god dammit man, leave me alone!

I mean, that doesn't make any sense, but I can see how it would be upsetting. (Note: I never got around to explaining what made the day not really suck. All of the things I discussed in that entry definitely sucked.)

Other times the hate is unspecific, even melodramatic, but probably based in fact:

Exhibit A: People were really mean to me in history, and I really don't know why. they HATE me, and it's totally confusing and upsetting to me.

Exhibit B: I just got back from this excruciatingly horrible choir trip. first of all, I had to spend 11 hours on a bus with people who hate me and absolutely relish saying horribly rude things to me.

Often, though, young Alice did not bother to provide facts about the hatred. It was simply a looming notion, probably born from a generally pissy demeanor.

I don't have school today. I'm feeling sooo detached from everything. I feel like everyone here hates me and also that there's nothing here for me.

See that "I feel" in there? That's sort of refreshing. Admit your subjectivity, Alice!

Now let's be real here. Why did "everyone" "hate" Alice? It doesn't take long to unearth some possible answers. Reason 1: Alice's terrible attitude.

today was... annoying. We watched monty python today in history, which was annoying just because. I don't know. I hate my life.

Reason 2: Alice's hypocrisy and lack of self-awareness

I had a really horrible day. [Name removed] is such a freaking moody bitch she is pissing me off sooo bad. I just got up and left at lunch and I didn't want to talk to anybody after school.

And who's the moody bitch again? Reason 3: Alice's admitted (nay, proud) narcissism.

today in biology we were talking about being married to our clones. some people were like, but it wouldn't be interesting, but I, for one, was all for it. I adore myself. god, if I met the male version of myself, I would fall so instantly in love. that would rock. good god I'm narcissistic. but I guess that's the point of me, really.

That one kind of hurt you guys. See what I do for the sake of journalism?

Coming soon--Alice's junior high journal part IV: LAYOUTS. Here's a good example of what this journal looked like (along with some minorly insightful commentary on the first anniversary of 9/11. Click to enlarge.):

'til next time! Boring day, everyone hates me, pretty layout, school is stupid, everyone hates me and is boring!!!

MMJ

Alice's junior high journal TAKE II

2009-09-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

Alice's ancient online journal PART II: Little Alice was so boring.

It is important to realize that the life of junior high Alice was not interesting--to anyone. The subjects of the entries frequently reinforced this:

"pretty layout, good quote, boring day, but good entry"

"boring day, pretty layout, funny quote... one day til 100th entry celebration!"

"boring day, got in trouble in science, blah blah blah"

"black sabbath layout, boring day... pretty layout"

"happy happy joy joy layout, boring day, fun with science!"

"innocent layout, boring day, boring bio project. boring boring boring!!!"

(More on layouts later.) Once you get past the titles of these entries, which promise plenty of boredom, the content is confusingly boring--it seems bizarre that anyone would actually sit down and write this stuff and then send it out into internetland. Try this one on for size:

today has been ok so far. we sang a good new song in choir. it was fun. I think I'm going to write a book based on my life that will be really boring. an nobody will read it but me and my mom. wow I have absolutely nothing to say today. I love haley!!!

That was not only an excerpt from an entry. That was the WHOLE THING. There are others that seem really mopey and disaffected, but for what I conceded was no good reason.

today was alright. I leave at 5:30 tomorrow morning for a music festival in pocatello (really far away). blah. today was not bad, but there is nothing to say about it.

Good thing I didn't let that stop me. That's not to say that the boring-talk kills this journal as a reading experience. Sometimes the snark about the boredom of school is actually sort of awesome:

today was decent. In French had to go down to mr. brown's room and call her and pretend to make a hotel reservation. It was kind of stupid. History was ridiculous. He put notes on the overhead, and all we did was copy them, the WHOLE PERIOD! aaah! so boring! (...) I finished my stupid book for french. it was stupid.

It's good to note things in adolescent Alice's life were not only boring, but also stupid.

today was blah. I took the second half of my science test (not hard) and saw my grade (97%), and I flirted with this senior in choir who wants me. Took my history test which was REALLY EASY. school is such a joke.

So true. That's the Alice I like to see--confident, discerning, wanted by seniors. Too bad those characteristics converged exactly once in this journal.

Please stay tuned for Alice's inner junior high monologue part III: Everyone HATED Alice. And for NO GOOD REASON. Here's proof:

have I mentioned that everyone hates me? Well, they do. they all just glare at me, and talk behind my back, except for that I can hear them.

<3mmj

Junior-high-era Alice strikes back

2009-08-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

Let this be a lesson to you children: nothing you put on the internet is ever really lost.

Yesterday I found the journal I kept on this bizarre early social networking site for teenage girls. I remembered writing in it, but I did not remember the span of time it covered (over two years), the frequency of the entries (almost every day) and the level of mundanity, self-centeredness, and moping contained in it (pretty much the most mundane, self-centered, mopey thing I have ever seen). Also, I had no memory of how incredibly specific I was on it--I shit-talked people using their first and last names with no fear that they would ever read it... and they didn't. Yet. I am hoping to explore every aspect that makes this an amazing and hilarious artifact from my childhood in the days to come.

*********

Part 1: 14-year-old Alice was deeply weird

This thing reeks of weirdness. It is pretty weird to keep a record of what you are wearing, eating, drinking, and listening to on the internet for 2 years to begin with--that is just a little too thorough. And there are bizarre moments that come out constantly:

You know what? Me and my friend Alyssa are exactly alike. We're both allergic to seclor (it's this medicine, it gives us hives), we both have wide feet, and both of our favorite colors are pink and yellow. it's spooky.

Spooky indeed. If you don't think that believing that two people are "exactly alike" because they are allergic to the same antibiotics is weird enough, then witness this, from only a few lines down:

I had a dream where there was this sandwich made of cream cheese, fruit snacks, and noodles, that was like illegal in other countries and I wanted to try it really bad, but it costed two dollars and I didn't have the money.

There is other dream talk in here, too, that should provide an unwanted glimpse into little Alice's id:

I woke up last night after having a dream about old guys molesting people, and I mean, that sounds funny, but really it was scary.

And don't get junior high alice started on tv, movies, music--whatever. She can be weird about that shit all day.

American Idol is almost on, and I'm probably going to watch it and pretend like I"m going to read during it but then be like "screw it. no one can read during American Idol!"

Fair enough.

So, so, so everybody, whatcha think about the Academy awards? I think that Tom Hanks deserves the oscar, but Russel Crow's going to win. I think that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon should win, but Gladiator is going to. I'm not totally sure who else is nominated, but I don't think Julia Roberts should win the oscar (you julia fans, please don't hate me) Well, that's all of my opinions on the oscars. please tell me yours!

Wow. Just a note--I still yet to have seen any of the movies that I referenced during that entry.

But the real weirdness comes out in the juxtaposition; a lot of times the non-sequiturs are kind of endearing, in that they are really pitiful.

anywho... sorry I haven't written for so long. dialing down the zoloft has been a little bit hard for me. hm... I wish I weren't sofat. cassie and I are going ice skating today.

Just so you know, one's antidepressant regime is always a wonderful subject for a blog post. Especially when followed by news of ice skating!

I felt as if I'd rather die than go to school today, so I stayed home. my little brother "coincidentally" got "sick" today, so he's staying home too. blarg. the poor democrats. I hate our stupid republican country.

That entry was from November, 2002, which provides some context... I guess.

Well, that is more than enough for today. Watch out for next time when I will be discussing: the Incredible Boring Alice! Young Alice on a school dance:

I don't know if I'll ask anyone. I mean, I could ask this guy I like... but I'm to much of a loser.

That is some hopelessly typical shit right there. But this does come from an entry where they layout's theme was "cheeto cheeto cheeto breath." Which brings us right back to the weirdness...

Hello again. MAD GOOD THINGS.

2009-08-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hello readers! I figured it might be time that I get back on this thing. [I am thinking that might be what she said. You decide.] So I guess I'll start with a MAD GOOD Roundup in order to get you guys caught up on the things I am enjoying.

The Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

My new computer

This photo. And Emily Johnson--forever.

As-good-as-anonymous commentor "The Juice" who posted on this random 8-month-old blog post that he or she has an "insatiable crush" on yours truly. Needless to say, I am intrigued.

The Tough Alliance - The New School

And Missoula and everything, too.

heart,

MMJ

J-Dub snobby mix

2009-01-21T19:23:00.001-08:00

There is a certain boy I know who many people deride as a "music snob." I feel for him, because his musical taste really is a lot better than everyone else we hang out with. I made him a proposition that he should make me the most elitist, inaccessible mix ever, and I would make one for him. My mix didn't end up being that inaccessible, but is still fairly "snobby."

Mix for JW
1. "Tiger Phone Card" - Dengue Fever
2. "Little Brother" - Grizzly Bear
3. "Atlas" - Battles
4. "Strawberries" - Asobi Seksu
5. "Gloomy Planets" - The Notwist
6. "G Shock" - Ponytail
7. "Bird" - Pattern Is Movement
8. "Genesis" - Justice
9. "Við og við" - Olöf Arnalds
10. "Big Milk" - Dan Deacon
11. "Up!" - M83
12. "A Paw In My Face" - The Field
13. "Everything I Cannot See" - Charlotte Gainsbourg
14. "Battle Into Heaven" - Monkey
15. "The Movers And The Shakers" - Herbert
16. "The Package Is Wrapped" - Marnie
17. "In The Evening" - Nina Nastasia and Jim White

I will keep you posted on what his mix contains.
MMJ

UPDATE Collagin'

2009-01-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

I decided to redo my horsey collage, since it was sort of lame and the floral motif looked something like a cannabis leaf. I left some of the newspaper showing, but covered up most of it with strips of paper. Voilà:
Much better.
MMJ

Collage timez

2009-01-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hi y'all!
My microwave came with an assload of packaging (predictably), including four sturdy plastic corner reinforcements. I instantly saw their potential for creating shrines, dioramas, or other 3-D collage installations and tucked them away in my hoarding den. Two trips to Ben Franklin and several issues of US weekly later, here are the results.

Goosey
Hoss

Groat

Coque

The whole bunch!

See ya!
MMJ

MAD GOOD round-up

2009-01-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

I enjoy these things.

Imperial Life in the Emerald City by Rajiv Chandrasekaran
Bang Bang Rock & Roll by Art Brut
Við Og Við by Olöf Arnalds
Apples to Apples

A tout à l'heure!
MMJ

A to Z mix tape

2009-01-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hi folks!
I was feeling ambitious the other night, and I decided to make a mixed tape with songs that start with every letter of the alphabet. I didn't have access to songs that started with X or Z, so I used "Explosivo" by Tenacious D, and "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)" by Jay-Z, respectively. (Note: The excellent album 69 Love Songs, Pt. 3 by the Magnetic Fields has songs starting with Q, X, and Z, but it felt chumpy to use all of them, so I only used the Q song.)

Track Listing
Side A
"Another Sunny Day" by Belle & Sebastian
"Billy Liar" by The Decemberists
"Colours" by Hot Chip
"Dope Nose" by Weezer
"The Execution of All Things" by Rilo Kiley
"Fiery Crash" by Andrew Bird
"Go Places" by The New Pornographers
"Heard 'Em Say" by Kanye West
"It's A Hit" by Rilo Kiley
"Jacksonville" by Sufjan Stevens
"Keep the Car Running" by Arcade Fire
"Lucky" by Britney Spears

Side B
"Michael" by Franz Ferdinand
"Nasty Naughty Boy" by Christina Aguilera
"On the Bound" by Fiona Apple
"Poor Little Rich Boy" by Regina Spektor
"Queen of the Savages" by The Magnetic Fields
"Rusted Guns of Milan" by Art Brut
"Smile" by Lily Allen
"Take It From Me" by The Weepies
"Up All Day" by The Choir Practice
"Van Occupanther" by Midlake
"Wot U On" by Dizzee Rascal
"eXplosivo" by Tenacious D
"You May Know Him" by Cat Power
"iZzo (H.O.V.A.)" by Jay-Z
Heart,
MMJ

Jello-powered: deux

2009-01-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hey dudes,
So I went crazy the other night and made like a buttload of peach-orange jello jigglers, even though I have no one to share them with. They are still mad-cute, though. Observe:

lamp

lucky lobster

lucky lobster + longneck

lucky lobster + longneck in love

Here are some miscellaneous pictures from the jiggler-making process:

I'll probably bring them to the Plato party tomorrow, but they might be sort of dry by then.
MMJ

Jello-powered

2009-01-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to be all product placement-y up in here, but I love jello products, you guys. They are super easy to make and really delicious. It's a bummer how a lot of their stuff isn't vegetarian, but I am still pretty much obsessed.

jello rice puddin'
This is my own innovation. I made a couple cups of rice in my rice cooker, then put a little bit in each bowl and poured jello custard on top. It was so easy! And delicious!

jello flan
I am a firm believer of the jello flan. I made two for parties last week, and both times they were met with skepticism; I ended up eating most of them myself. Do not fear the jello flan! It is so carmely and wonderful.

More tomorrow!
MMJ

Rando beach pictures

2009-01-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all!
I found these on my computar. I took them last summer in Olympia.

Bye now!
MMJ

Ivanna Cone holiday party

2009-01-02T14:27:00.001-08:00

Can I just take this opportunity to say that my co-workers are hilarious and great?

"I get to wash my fingers tonight!"--Michaela Powell
"Alice, tonight might be the night when I can't stop myself from killing you." --Sam Cunningham
"Hello, PETA? My co-worker just duh-renched a fly in buh-leach!"--Jessica Wallen-Thompson
"I wanna fuckin' party, dude!"--Jessica Langenberg
"Let's all go home and change our facebook pictures!"--Brandon Turner
"You can't rape the willing!"--Andy Dillehay

I love them!
MMJ

MixMaster Jeff's top albums of 2008

2009-01-01T10:47:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year!
So, this feels kind of lame because I have a mountain of albums from this year that I haven't spent any time with yet--so this list is not complete. I also apologize for my poptart tendencies; when it comes to music, I am secretly a total twelve year old. Instead of providing some sort of Pitchforkian commentary for all this, I just decided to accompany each album with a picture from the Random Livejournal Picture Generator. These are in no particular order.

Kanye West - 808s and Heartbreak
Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III
Why? - Alopecia
Basia Bulat - Oh, My Darling
Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line
Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
Dengue Fever - Venus On Earth
Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Thao - We Brave Bee Stings and All
She & Him - Volume One
Duffy - Rockferry

See ya!
MMJ

Makin' Stuff PART II

2008-12-30T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hello friends!
Let me first of all say that Brandon Turner is on notice because I was SO BUSY at the ice cream store last night and I had to work all by myself because he was in New Mexico having fun. Lame-pants.

Item two: I have made lots and lots of hats this month. Many of them will hopefully be on Etsy soon, and my voice teacher and his wife also want to sell them in their gift shop. Dorky, but somewhat neat. Here are some myspace-style photographs of a few.

HAIR HOLE HATS! They have a hole for your hair.

Ski-bunny hats with pom-poms!!!

Well, I'm off to work in one hour and fifteen minutes. How horrid!
MMJ

Legit 90's-style mixed tape action!

2008-12-29T14:09:00.001-08:00

Hi guys,
When I was cleaning out my room, I found all of these blank cassettes from my years patronizing the University of Nebraska's language lab. (Remember when we used to have to spend six hours in the lang lab in one day to try to make up for a semester's neglect of listening comprehension practice? What fun!) So anyways, I decided to make a legit mix tape for my buddy David-the-Anatomy-Tutor (as opposed to David-the-Enigmatic-Unicyclist). Check it:

Track Listing
Side A
Nellie McKay - David
Arcade Fire - Une Année Sans Lumière
Dizzee Rascal - I Luv U
Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight
Beirut - Scenic World
Band of Horses - Funeral
The Velvet Underground - All Tomorrow's Parties
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine

Side B
Jay-Z - Heart of the City (Ain't No Love)
Asobi Seksu - New Years
Belle & Sebastian - Seeing Other People
Britney Spears - Stronger
The Blow - Fists Up
The Knife - We Share Our Mother's Health
Kanye West - Coldest Winter
The Mountain Goats - No Children
Antony & the Johnsons - Fistfuls of Love

Laters!!!
MMJ

Makin' Stuff

2008-12-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

I'm a crocheting fiend of late. I have been making all kinds of overly-ambitious projects for my loved ones this holiday season.

Exhibit A: Granny Square afghan for la Breezy
I spent just about every waking moment in the six days leading up to our gift exchange making one hundred unique granny squares for this bad boy. Let this be a lesson to you children: don't procrastinate about making your besty's Christmas present, or you will end up having to make twenty granny squares every day for five days. And then take two days sewing them together. It was worth it though, so that Breezy won't freeze to death in her drafty-ass apartment.

Exhibit B: Amigurumi cow for the best cousin ever
Anderson is my cousin who is two years old and pretty much the cutest, most charming and intelligent child EVER TO WALK THE EARTH.
See? He's gorgeous! Unfortunately, Andy moved to New York with his mommy and daddy this fall (lucky baby!), so I decided to make him a little stuffed cow to remind him of his Beef State roots as he starts his cosmopolitan life in the big city.
This didn't take that long... I made it over a day and a half. Cute, right?

More krafty goodness to come!
MMJ

[Afghan pic courtesy of Breezy's blogue; Andy pic from my Auntie Willo's facebook.]

MAD GOOD Book: Paul Guest, Notes for my Body Double

2008-12-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

Oh hi,
I am re-reading Paul Guest's excellent collection of poems, Notes for my Body Double. His poems are image-rich, imaginative, moving, kooky...altogether OSS. (Eh, Breezy?) He got a rad two-book deal from Ecco recently, so he's definitely on the up-and-up. Here's a poem from Notes for my Body Double with probably the best first line of all times:

The Cartoonist in Hell

Jonny Quest, no one remembers you. Sad,
but I've asked. No one likes to dwell
in the genial weather of befuddlement
for very long so I change the subject
better than any mercury-addled alchemist ever
and say my belt buckle is in retrograde
or if only I could knit for you
a sweater made of one spider's silk
then you would consent. But,
it's a lonely light I hide like an injured
thing. The rust-colored kids
stampede like flame along cartoon gunpowder.
That's their sky but not mine
as they pelt the hanging hive
with rocks, the bees' industrious drone
spilling out. Tonight, maybe,
I'll dream of each comb's cataract
of honey. Or the red-haired
girl I lost. Both amount to the same sick
sweetness. Tonight, maybe,
I'll tweeze her name
from my life at last
and to the clockface,
irradiated and sickly,
keeping count like a stunned child,
I won't confess the clinical histories
of the stars or admire
the misknit bones of the denuded dawn.
I drew this on a map
I never needed,
I drew this vacant swirl of lines
and later added eyes
so that something might blink back for me.
(Paul Guest, 2007)

Well, I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams, y'all!
MMJ

Purchases

2008-12-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

Hi folks!

So even though I got all kinds of awesome presents for X-mas, there is one thing I have had my eye on for a while that I did not receive yesterday. I decided to treat myself and order this astonishing work of art from deadandundead's etsy shop:

GINGER SNAPS LIGHTSWITCH PLATE [!!!!]
[Note: Ginger Snaps is probably the best movie ever. Sassy teenage werewolves, y'all!]

This will cheer me up as I am scooping ass-loads of ice cream on this bizarrely warm Boxing Day.
Laters!
MMJ

Merry Dickmas, everyone!

2008-12-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. This is my new blog.

I got some pretty rad Christmas presents this year. First off:
THE FIRST SIX SEASONS OF KING OF THE HILL!!!!!!!
I actually choked up a little when I saw this in my stocking. That's not a joke.

I also got this sweet-ass digital camera of my very own that I can use to take myspace-style self-portraits, like this one:

Not bad, eh? This sparked some interesting conversation from the fam--
Charlie: Self-portraits? You mean with a timer?
Me: No, like this. [Demonstrates.]
Dad: Yeah, like I Shot Myself.
Me: Isn't that a porn site?
Dad: [Shrugs.]

Haha, gross. Anyway, G-ma did her Christmas shopping exclusively from catalogs and at Walgreens, as per usual. Unfortunately, all of my presents were from the latter. Me and my brothers all received some razors, a packet of tissues, and a fragrance. Here's hoping that Celine Dion's eau de parfum is better than her music.

Later y'all!
MMJ