The things we did and didn't do

Typical. Songs by Jens Lekman and the Beach Boys and Robyn and the Magnetic Fields and Rilo Kiley and girl group shit and it's all very poppy and power-poppy and no one cares but me. Is it possible my mixes are not actually that cool or interesting? Eh. Rambling commentary about feelings in re: pop music below.

The Typical Mix Tape

1. "Grass," XTC
2. "It's Over," Sondre Lerche
3. "Sweet Talking Guy," The Chiffons
4. "Someday, Someway," Marshall Crenshaw
5. "For The Rabbits," Caitlin Rose
6. "Someone To Share My Life With," Jens Lekman
7. "Help Me Rhonda," The Beach Boys
8. "My Man Is A Mean Man," Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
9. "My Ever Changing Moods," The Style Council
10. "Call Your Girlfriend," Robyn
11. "Sneaky Feelings," Elvis Costello
12. "Baltimore," Tennis
13. "Baby, Baby (I Still Love You)," Cinderella
14. "If Not For You," George Harrison
15. "I Am Bored," The Microphones
16. "I Love The Weekend," No Kids
17. "Watch The Sunrise," Big Star
18. "Mean Mean Man," Wanda Jackson
19. "The Things We Did," The Magnetic Fields
20. "Glendora," Rilo Kiley
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Obviously, my mix tapes are obliquely about whatever bullshit heartbreak I'm indulging in at the time I compile them. Perpetually appropriate songs: The Beach Boys, "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times." The Magnetic Fields, "No One Will Ever Love You." The Smiths, "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want."

I enjoy feeling feelings. I manipulate myself by listening to sad songs and reading sad poems and looking at pictures on Facebook of men who have rejected me with their new girlfriends so I may bathe in my most gorgeous sorrow. Not that being a sad sack is all fun. Engaging your self pity is a dangerous game, 'cause no one wants to be around you and it stops you from getting anything done. Ultimately, it's probably better to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Let's all be moderate when opting to stand on psychically unstable ground, is what I'm saying. Sometimes I like being sleep-deprived in an airport because I experience what I call "reveries," what William Blake called "memorable fancies," what doctors call "hallucinations." It's nice every once in a while to believe that you have access into a portal into the future, that you have pulled back the curtain and witnessed "the truth," that every dimension is available and you can see beyond the visible spectrum and escape this real world where you pay rent and eat sandwiches, you know, to get out of the Matrix, which is actually just all there is. It's why they invented drugs, I get it.
A personal mantra: your feelings aren't everything. Your memories aren't everything. Your imagination isn't everything. When I was a teenager I used to say all the time, "I just have to get out of my own head," which is sad because it was true and I had no idea how to do that. Maybe--think about someone other than yourself? Get some friends? Get a job? Yes, but. Anne Carson: "You remember too much,/my mother said to me recently./Why hold onto all that? And I said,/Where can I put it down?" What do I do with all these fucking feelings?
It's why listening to mopey-ass music makes us feel less gloomy. No one knows better than Morrissey that melancholy is actually hilarious. "Went looking for a job and then I found a job/And heaven knows I'm miserable now." Feelings distort things so much that really emotional music is necessarily comic. I love the Beach Boys and girl groups because they're so bald in their sentiment. My favorite girl group lyric lately is from the Blossoms' song "That's When The Tears Start": "I hold my head high/Each time you walk by./Give you a great big smile/Although I wanna die."

Pop music makes complicated feelings simple. A pop song is a sliver of a moment when all we want is one very specific and very stupid thing, and we want it SO BAD. I reluctantly admit that bad feelings are not permanent, and even life's most major bummers have not ruined me. But it seems right to immortalize all these dumb emotions, doesn't it? The Magnetic Fields go, "The things we did and didn't do./The things we did and didn't do," and I go, yeah. I let that sad, vague vapor of a lyric wash over me. It feels good.

<3MMJ

To hurl the tomahawk and ride a painted pony wild

This mix. Lots of covers. Lots of weird songs from the '60s and '70s. Gets a little sad toward the end there.

Cover Songs + Elton John Mix

1. "Whistle In," The Beach Boys
2. "Julie (remix)," Jens Lekman
3. "Kind Of A Drag," The Buckinghams
4. "Shadowboxer," Fiona Apple
5. "You Know I'm No Good" (Amy Winehouse cover), Wanda Jackson
6. "Park Song," The Dodos
7. "Life And Soul Of The Party," Mally Page
8. "Refugee," Tom Petty
9. "Angels Marching," Deb Talan
10. "Indian Sunset," Elton John
11. "What Did I Ever Give You," The Kaiser Chiefs
12. "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself," Dusty Springfield
13. "Sister I'm A Poet" (Morrissey cover), Colin Meloy
14. "I Can't Own Her," XTC
15. "I Can't Help It If I'm Still In Love With You" (Hank Williams cover), Willie Nelson
16. "These Eyes," The Guess Who
17. "I Wouldn't Know What To Do," The Honeydrips
18. "Hungry Heart" (Bruce Springsteen cover), Lucy Wainwright Roche
19. "You Yes You," tUnE-yArDs
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Can we all please appreciate that Smiley Smile, the Beach Boys' fraught, unfinished opus, is extremely forward thinking and avant-garde? Please???? And isn't Swedish pop music cute? Everyone agrees. The Honeydrips are called the Honeydrips. "Julie" by Jens Lekman hits too close to home--"What will you do when you graduate/If you stay here you'll suffocate." Like a blithe, Simon and Garfunkle-influenced knife in my heart. Also cute: "Saw the girl I know from my job./I think that she must think that I'm retarded." LOL, Dodos!
It is safe to say that Elton John and Bernie Taupin are not experts about American Indian history and cultures. "Indian Sunset" is a hilarious artifact of freaky, skewed romanticism and appropriation. I know Bernie fancies himself the "Brown Dirt Cowboy" and is obsessed with the American west and Wikipedia wasn't around in 1971 so how was he supposed to know that Geronimo died of pneumonia, that he was not in fact "laying down his weapons/when they filled him full of leaaaaad!" But, a tip, choose a single tribe to make stuff up about maybe? Or if you bring up multiple tribes, make them ones that did not live thousands of miles apart?

Oh great father of the Iroquois, ever since I was young
I've read the writing of the smoke and breast fed on the sound of drums.
I've learned to hurl the tomahawk and ride a painted pony wild,
To run the gauntlet of the Sioux, to make a chieftain's daughter mine.

Hahahahaha. Anyway, melodrama. It's worth the download just for this song.
Is it just me or is "You don't have to live like a refugee" a bit of an insensitive metaphor? I guess I was saying this at the karaoke bar on Friday, but it's a very Republican sentiment: "Everybody's had to fight to be free." I like how "Shadowboxer" is about guys who fuck with your head cuz that's one of my pet peeves. Dusty Springfield, have some self respect. "Baby, if your new love ever turns you down/Come back, I will be around/Just waiting for you." Shit's sad.
It is my paradoxical wish that all songs could be covers. I'm all about the novelty, even if the reinterpretations are really stupid or don't improve on or change the original version at all. Colin Meloy's Morrissey covers aren't that mind-blowing but like I said I'm a sucker. "Sister I'm A Poet" is my favorite due to that I am a professional aspiring poet. Lucy Wainwright Roche's "Hungry Heart" is very soft and beautiful and brings out some of the song's longing. (An equation: more longing=better.) Wanda Jackson's "You Know I'm No Good" is a must-have. She and Amy both have those weird, creaky voices. RIP, much love, big ups.
xo|MMJ

I watch you disappear past Club Med vacations

I made this weird-ass mix tape to do some drivin' to. Packed with hits from the 80s, 90s, and today!

Pink Car in the Passing Lane Mix Tape

1. "Islands In The Stream," Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers
2. "Dreaming Man," Neko Case
3. "Be Mine!" Robyn
4. "Laugh/Love/Fuck," The Coup
5. "Radio Sweetheart," Elvis Costello
6. "Fancy," Reba McEntire
7. "(Theme from) Valley Of The Dolls," Dionne Warwick
8. "As I Went Out One Morning," Dirty Projectors
9. "Push It," Salt-n-Pepa
10. "Brink Of Disaster," Lesley Gore
11. "Brass In Pocket," The Pretenders
12. "Always Coming Back To You," Scott Walker
13. "Cover My Eyes," La Roux
14. "Protect Ya Neck," Wu-Tang Clan
15. "Pistol Dreams," The Tallest Man On Earth
16. "Don't Let Go," En Vogue
17. "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)," Lady Gaga
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Y'all my car is pink. People go crazy for it. This summer my car was parked in front of a bar in Lincoln and my friend Tim sent me a text that said "There are a bunch of stupid cunts taking pictures with your car." Quote.
The Coup are my favorite Marxists. The final lyrics of "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" are "All I can say is 'eh eh'" and we're all "YEAH GAGA WE NOTICED." Ever realize how "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue is the ultimate jam of the 90s? Ever realize how it's creepy and desperate as hell? "If I could wear your clothes/I'd pretend I was you"--not a good look, En Vogue. "Lucky" by Britney Spears as corollary to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire. Discuss.
"Cover My Eyes" by La Roux and "Be Mine!" by Robyn are basically the same song and I relate to them both so much. Robyn's hilarious spoken-word breakdown: "I saw you in the station. You had your arm around what's her name. She was wearing that scarf I gave you, and you bent down to tie her laces." A scarf? Robyn? Next time don't get the guy you like such a fruity present. Also, who's he dating, a first grader? She can't tie her own shoes??? That guy is a creep. He likes infantile bitches. Forget him, Robyn!
Elvis Costello: "Hope in the eyes of the ugly girls/That settle for the lies of the last chancers." Good songs are way harsh, Tai. Valley of the Dolls is actually the worst movie ever. Stream it on Netflix just to watch Patty Duke dance. I have a theory that "Brass in Pocket" is basically about me 'cause I'm so special. I don't recommend listening to "Always Coming Back To You" by Scott Walker while driving because there are these weird bells at the beginning that sound just like an early-2000s ringtone. It alarmed me every time.
In conclusion: Lincoln, Nebraska. Missoula, Montana. Reality Bites meets A River Runs Through It meets Netflix Local Favorites Storm Chasers and Wolverine: Chasing the Phantom meets Kicking and Screaming (Noah Baumbach) meets I don't know, A Goofy Movie.
Objectively I should be less jazzed about the way my life is going but I can't help it, I just love summer!
Love|MMJ

Lightning dances in my he-ee-ay-ead

This Wistful Summer Mix Tape

1. "I've Got My Mind Set On You," James Ray
2. "Fuck And Run," Liz Phair
3. "Powa," tUnE-yArDs
4. "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," the Mamas & the Papas
5. "Tbtf," Kevin Drew
6. "That's Not Me," The Beach Boys
7. "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" Janet Jackson
8. "All In Love Is Fair," Stevie Wonder
9. "Break-A-Way," Irma Thomas
10. "When We Was Fab," George Harrison
11. "Hold On," Wilson Phillips
12. "Flower," Liz Phair
13. "Cecilia," Simon and Garfunkel
14. "Walk On By," Isaac Hayes

Download it!!!
The best summer playlist. Amazing jams. Lots of throwbacks. Twelve minutes of Isaac Hayes. Bridesmaids reignited our national love affair with "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips. Someone needs to do the same for "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" by Janet Jackson. Liz Phair sings "I can feel it in my bones/I'm gonna spend another year alone" and I'm all like, yeah.
The high note on "Powa." The part in "All In Love Is Fair" where Stevie Wonder sings "Ahead lies mystery" but it sounds like "A head lice mystery." George Harrison: "Back when income tax was all we had" ????? My brother and I were singing along to "Break-A-Way" when we were driving downtown and tons of people were staring at us because we're so cool.
This mix is pertinent to life: "I once had a dream so I packed up and split for the city./I soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty." "Say nighty night and tell me you'll miss me." I miss you guys.
Love|MMJ

You're Never Gonna Shake Me

In order to avoid my Shakespeare paper, I will tell you about this new mix. It is probably the most lovelorn and self-pitying mixtape I've ever made, and that's saying something!

We've Hit A New Low Mix

1. "Be My Baby," The Ronettes
Neediest lyric: I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see./For every kiss you give me, I'll give you three.

2. "That's Alright" (Fleetwood Mac cover), Caitlin Rose
Neediest lyric: [Note: This is actually a fairly emotionally mature break-up song.] I've been waiting,/And I'm through waiting for you./The train sings the same kind of blues.

3. "How Soon Is Now," The Smiths
Neediest lyric: I am human and I need to be loved,/Just like everybody else does.

4. "Jacksonville," Sufjan Stevens
Neediest lyric: N/A [Note: This song is all about Andrew Jackson and abolition or something. Nothing about being HUMAN and needing LOVE.]

5. "Dance Of The Seven Veils," Liz Phair
Neediest lyric: I only ask because I'm a real cunt in spring./You can rent me by the hour.

6. "Always Be My Baby," Mariah Carey
Neediest lyric: Boy don't you know you can't escape me,/Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby.

7. "Le Moribond/My Family's Role In The World Revolution," Beirut
Neediest lyric: Adieu l'Émile, je vais mourir./C'est dur de mourir au printemps, tu sais.

8. "Steady Boyfriend," April Young
Neediest lyric: I dream of dating you every night,/To feel your tender arms when you hold me tight.

9. "Roll On" (featuring Jenny Lewis), Dntel
Neediest lyric: Bitter, lonely, and isolated,/Before I know it I'll be an old maid,/But I love love, yes I do,/Even when its weight cripples you.

10. "How Will He Find Me," Deb Talan
Neediest lyric: Only held by gravity, fated with uncertainty,/No longer young and not that pretty,/How will he ever find me?

11. "When You Tell The Lions," tUnE-yArDs
Neediest lyric: When will my heart swim in the blood bath with other hearts that pulse just like mine?

12. "Middle Cyclone," Neko Case
Neediest lyric: Can't scrape together quite enough/To ride the bus to the outskirts/Of the fact that I need love.

13. "And I Love Her," The Beatles
Neediest lyric: I give her all my love./That's all I do.

14. "Long Boat Pass," Tennis
Neediest lyric: I’ll stay if you ask me to, ask me to,/Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

15. "Coming Up," Caitlin Rose
Neediest lyric: You say I can't be happy/Always feeling like a clown,/But I'll play the fool/As long as you can hang around.

16. "Heaven Is 10 Zillion Light Years Away," Stevie Wonder
Neediest lyric: [Note: This song is like, 100% about God.] Why can't they say that hate is 10 zillion light years away?

17. "For The Price Of A Cup Of Tea," Belle & Sebastian
Neediest Lyric: For the price of a night with me/You'd be the village joke.
The neediest lyrics are of course up for debate. For some of these songs, I could have just written "All." And maybe I didn't mean "neediest"--more like most pathetic?

Love!
MMJ

"Letter To Goldbarth From Big Fork," Richard Hugo

Letter to Goldbarth From Big Fork

by Richard Hugo

Dear Albert. This is a wholesome town. Really. Cherries grow
big here and all summer a charming theatre puts on
worthy productions. It is Montana at its best, lake
next to town, lovely mountains close by, and independent
people, friendly, generous, always a discernible touch
of the amateur I like. Nothing slick. Montana is
the rest of America 50 years back. Old barber shops
you walk into and don't have to wait. Barbers who take
a long time cutting your hair to make sure they get in all
the latest gossip. Bars where the owner buys every fifth round,
and you buy one for him now and then. Albert, I love it
despite what some think here reading my poems. The forlorn towns
just hanging on take me back to the 30's where most poems
come from, the warm meaningful gestures we make, the warm ways
we search each other for help in a bewildering world,
a world so terrifyingly big we settle for small
ones here we can control. There's a bitter side, too, a mean
suspicion of anything new, of anyone different
or bright. I hate that. I hate feeling as I become well
known that I'm marked: poet, beware. He has insight.
I don't like being tagged negative because I write hurt
as if my inner life on the page is some outer truth,
when it is only my view, not the last word. When it is
not the world photoed and analyzed, only one felt.
I like best of all in Montana how people who've had
nothing from the beginning, never expected a thing,
accept cruelty, weather and man, as normal and who have felt
the bitter strokes of life's gratuitous lash (oh, poets
catch that one), are cheerful, receptive and kind to the end.
So for all their suspicion and distrust of me, they are
my women, my men. And I, who came from the seacoast,
who love the salmon, the damp air of Seattle, finally
have come to call this home. That means, when I say it, I lived
here forever and I knew it first time I saw it nine
years ago. Albert, Big Fork brings out the mountain in me.
And trout help, too. Just now, a stranger drove by and waved.
And I waved back my best wave, Albert. I shouted at him
"hello," and it came back doubled by the hills. At you too. Dick.

___________
Richard Hugo's collected poems, Making Certain It Goes On, is one of the most essential books I know.

"December" by James Schuyler, plus feelings

December
"Il va neiger dans quelques jours"--Francis Jammes

The giant Norway spruce from Podunk, its lower branches bound,
this morning was reared into place at Rockefeller Center.
I thought I saw a cold blue dusty light sough in its boughs
the way other years the wind thrashing at the giant ornaments
recalled other years and Christmas trees more homey.
Each December! I always think I hate "the overcommercialized event"
and then bells ring, or tiny light bulbs wink above the entrance
to Bonwit Teller or Katherine going on five wants to look at all
the empty sample gift-wrapped boxes up Fifth Avenue in swank shops
and how can I help falling in love? A calm secret exultation
of the spirit that tastes like Sealtest eggnog, made from milk solids,
vanillin, artificial rum flavoring; a milky impulse to kiss and be friends.
It's like what George and I were talking about, the East-West
Coast divide: Californians need to do a thing to enjoy it.
A smile on the street may be loads! you don't have to undress everybody.

"You didn't visit the Alps?"
"No, but I saw from the train they were black and streaked with snow."

Having and giving but also catching glimpses
hints that are revelations: to have been so happy is a promise
and if it isn't kept that doesn't matter. It may snow
falling softly on lashes of eyes you love and a cold cheek
grow warm next to your own in hushed dark familial December.

***

Emotions are assaulting me from all sides. Several strange events have happened in the last 48 hours and they have all involved my cell phone. How does technology work? How does technology work? This time of year is always plagued with expectations and I'm bored with that. Most good things are unpredictable and impermanent.



I've been talking to myself again: "Why are you trying to force my hand?" "Is it really so hard to love me?" "Have some self-respect." I'm feeling the pressure. But I think things might be "happening," though it's only an intuition. A new era would be all right by me.

Love,
Alice